Distracted

Well, we got lots of responses. And finally, the winners. Included are some honorable mentions as well. If you are one of the winners, be sure to email me and let me know your forum name so you get your promotion.

Photo #1

"Alright! Who ate the last of the key lime pie?!?!" - Robocop

Honorable Mentions:
"Be very very quite, I'm hunting Sylar's." - Darkflame
"Who do I have to shoot to get some breakfast around here?" - Tramlaw

Photo #2

Darth Vader: "Elmo, Come to the dark side!" Elmo: "That tickles!" - Javi H

Honorable Mentions:
"I want a paternity test, because I'm not his father!" - Kristyg921
"Are YOU on the List?" - Beatles_Fan_1990

Photo #3

"I say do you mind, were trying to have nearly killed sex here." - Darkflame

Honorable Mentions:
"Oh! It's supposed to be simulated?" - Robocop
"Maybe it wasn't a good idea to let The Haitian watch." - Catalina12

Photo #4

Come on, Greg, focus on the director and you won't feel like a pedophile. - ChristyK

Honorable Mentions:
"Why couldn't it be save the policeman. save the world?" - KristyG921
"Sure, she was cute in "Remember The Titans" but if she doesn't stop following me around I swear I'm going to beat her over the head with this mic." - Cheek3471

Photo #5

"Petrelli gets to fly, Mendes can paint the future, Claire regenerates and what do I get stuck with? I can fart Care Bears!" - Mr. Bean

Honorable Mentions:
"The Care Bears got my back, yo!!" - Tramlaw
"This is how I roll." - Semimafia

Charitable Deeds

I do a lot of charity work in my free time. And earlier I was helping entertain some of the ICU patients at the local hospital. They say laughter is the best medicine.

So, I found my poor hopeless child and began with a great opener.

"What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?" I asked.

I think he tried to lift his shoulders, in an effort to show he hadn't known the answer, just as I had planned on.

"Mechanical Engineers builds weapons, Civil Engineers build targets."

He didn't laugh. But I suspected in his condition that he was incapable of laughing. I'm sure he liked the joke.

"If walking is healthy, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut?"

Nothing.

"What did the horse say when he fell? I've fallen and I can't giddy up!"

I refused to let this young man down. So, I pulled out my best.

"A pirate goes into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants. The bartender goes, "Woah man! There's a steering wheel down your pants. Isn't it annoying?". The pirate replies, "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts!"

And he sat there like some kind of crash victim lies motionless on their own blood and left foot.

Then, a doctor came in. "How's it going?" he asked the kid.

"Well, it'd be nice to laugh again," the little prick replied.

"I got a joke for you," the doctor said, "Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

"The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

"The first engineer nodded approvingly. "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

"HA HA HA HA HA!!" the kid laughed for what seemed like hours at the simple joke, "That sounds like something he'd do!" he was pointing at me.

"Well, you get your rest," the doctor said as he left.

"Listen up," I said with my hand over the kid's mouth, "My jokes were great! I'm a very hip and funny guy. And I certainly would have taken the clothes over the bike."

I let him go and he looked at me as though he'd seen a ghost. Then he started to cry.

Ah, crap!

"Hey," I said, "I'm sorry. Things have just been rough lately. You see, there was this guy, Sylar, and I had him all nice and locked up. But he escaped. My wife is losing her mind. And Jake never wants to go get his nails done. I tried taking Jake to get some waffles and he didn't even order anything. I went to the restroom and he was still there when I returned! Sylar would have killed all the patrons and escaped. But Jake, he's not even a challenge."

"Sounds like you miss Sylar," the boy said.

I nearly teared up, but I kept it together. "Yes, I think I do. I have to get him back. For all I know he could have found some other nerd to hang out with. Probably a geneticist. They're all so pretentious and think they're so much better than us computer nerds. If it weren't for us, there wouldn't be any science. But I'll find him and bring him back home soon."

The kid just smiled.


"You can't tell anyone about this." I lifted my finger to my lips as I backed out of the room.

"I won't. I promise," he replied.

Just to be safe, I sent The Haitian in anyway.

---

And I have been receiving your photo captions. We'll have winners tomorrow, so if you haven't submitted something, do it now.

Life Goes On

This morning while I was cooking I felt out of focus. It was as though something was missing from my life, but I hadn't realized it yet. I tried filling the void with hobbies, breakfast and Bears from Around the World. But none of it was working.

When I'm having a bad day, I listen to my favorite song, over and over and over again. Sometimes I sing along! When I was a kid though, I'd get made fun of for singing it out loud, so I kept it in my head.

Something about that song brightens me up. I guess it reminds me of the life I've built. I too have a couple of kids running in the yard. But unlike Desmond, one of my kids is indestructible.

But this feeling...it's strange. It's unidentifiable. I don't even know if I feel bad. But I don't feel good. It's a strange emptiness.

I'm going to do something about it!

We have a new prisoner down at work. I finally let Jake out of the duffel bag. Seeing as we have an open cell, I figured it was the least I could do.

Today, I'll get to run through prisoner orientation with Jake. That should be fun and take my mind off things. In fact, I'll take my Beatles CD and listen to my song over and over. Maybe Jake will sing it with me.

But...I am worried about one thing. Jake is like a translation amplifier. Whatever language goes in, comes out in English for me, Chinese for him. I wonder what The Haitian hears?

So, I hope that doesn't affect my song.

I guess we'll see. If Jake doesn't cheer me up, then there's always waffles. I just need to remember life goes on. I have to put on my pretty face and live my life!

Politician-Kidnapping 101

Well, a while back I made a big mistake, which I blame on my wife, while trying to kidnap a guy. He got away, so now I'm going to have to get him again.

There were two people to choose from. I went with the weaselly politician. Why did I pick him over the crazy lady? I flipped a coin! Honestly. I'm not hiding anything about that man.

So, rule number one. Never insult the man's pajama bottoms.

"Those stupid-looking pajama bottoms make your butt look big."

Well, once you insult a man's pajama bottoms you unleash a monster of anger seeking his just revenge.

Not to mention dirty feet.



And of course, being kicked hurts. Nerds aren't made for kicking. I'm sure if it weren't for having a gun, he would have kicked The Haitian instead. Guess I should get him a gun too. Apparently, the power to kill a yak from 200 yards away with mind bullets doesn't help much against a half-naked Republican.



So, remember kids, never insult a man's pajama bottoms, unless you want to be kicked in the face with a dirty foot and left in an empty parking lot because The Haitian forgot where he parked.

"Um...I'm pretty sure we parked on the ground."

Sylar on the Loose

As much as I've tried to keep my mind off of it, I can't stop coming back to it! Sylar is on the loose. I'm sure you've heard already.

While in custody, I took him to get his nails done. We ended up at a Primatech press event and he ate a kid's brain.

I can't begin to imagine what he must be doing now that he's outside my jurisdiction.

He's no doubt wreaking havoc. The thought of havoc being wreaked upsets me. As an American. As a father. As a husband. As a human being!

We can't sit idly by and allow for such moronic people to frolic around defacing property and debraining our children. It is time we rise up and take a stand against the Sylars of this world.

So, I say to you, join me. Say "nay" to those who would take your brain. Say "nay" to those who would belittle your actions with monumentous acts of idiocy. Say "nay" to drugs. And say "nay" to Proposition 244 which would require all business owners to limit their paper consumption to 50 lbs a day.

Like my recently-deceased (I think) mother always said, "Just say Nay!" Of course, she was mentally unstable and often talked to horses. Though she did so in a stable, so perhaps her unstable mind was stabilized by the stabled horses.

Professors Who Drive Taxis

I was over in New York a while back where I met this Indian genetics professor. His name was Mohinder Suresh

Turns out his father's research could be very valuable to us. It's all complicated paper stuff, you wouldn't understand.

Eden was a good friend of his. She really cared for him. I warned her not to, never get attached, I always say. Unless of course you adopt one of them as your own child and hide it from everyone. That's completely different.

But Eden never knew what to think of him. She couldn't tell if he was into her or not. She'd always come to me and ask me what I thought it meant. She assumed, being a guy, I could translate his words into his true meaning.

But even with all my manliness, this was a tough code to break. See below.

Eden: "I'd like some ice cream."

Mohinder: "Yes, but would the ice cream want you? Is it in the nature of ice cream to desire the uncold beings we call human? And yet some can be so cold. Killing elderly professors for their theories."

Meaning: "I don't have enough money for it, sorry."

Eden: "Do you like this shirt?"

Mohinder: "Could destiny be in clothes? Humans have worn clothes since the dawn of time, and yet a few remain in the nude. What is this desire to wear clothes? Is it merely a way to hide our bodies from those who would eat our biscuits if given a chance? Or is it a way to express ourselves to those very people?"

Meaning: "Yeah, but you'd look better out of it."

Eden: "I think we should talk."

Mohinder: "And yet life doesn't speak. Or does it? We often find ourselves needing to talk. We talk to the prophets who talk to God himself. We talk to the characters on our TV who talk to each other, ignoring us. We always talk. And what is the purpose? What can be accomplished through communication alone? Is its only purpose to facilitate action? Or is there inherent usefulness in this verbal game of chess?"

I don't know about that one. Any ideas?

Technical Difficulties

Okay, maybe I was just a little wasted and that's why I forgot to write something here. But I'm going to blame it on my Blackberry.