Where's the Beef?

"Okay," Tracy finally said after having it explained for the fifth time. "I've heard enough."

"So you understand now?" I asked.

"Yeah....Nathan's been with everyone and their twin, and you have his illegitimate daughter to prove it."

See? It's not that complicated. I decided to move on to the next step. Collecting evidence.


"Well, well, Mr. Cocoon Man," I said as I cut off part of his encasement. "Looks like you've made quite the mess." I dropped the sample of his cocoon into a plastic baggy.

Having collected the evidence, I grabbed Meredith, and we returned to the office. I pulled into the Primatech parking lot where we exited the vehicle.

"Hey, there!" I called to Meredith as she headed for her own car. "Aren't you going to stick around the office for lunch?"

"No, sorry," she replied. "I really want to get back and see Claire."

"Alright, suit yourself."

I knew the best part of working was lunch. There was no way I was going to waste it on some ungrateful daughter I see everyday. This was my one hour of complete freedom from the grind. I'm on my own time during my lunch hour. I can shoot whomever I want, without worrying about about getting a sexual discrimination lawsuit filed against me.

The Haitian joined me at our regular table. He, like always, had a couple twigs and three quarters of a fish head. "Well, well," I said reaching into my paper sack, "let's see what the misses packed for me."

"Yuck," The Haitian commented as I plopped the foul-looking pseudo-food onto the table. "What is it?"

"Hmm...looks like...an egg sandwich?" Sure, Sandra's cooking rarely looked good, but well, sometimes it tasted decent enough. And with the current economic situation, there was no way I'd be giving into the Dollar Menu.

I bit into the strange food. "Yum," I said, lying. Chewing was difficult, but I managed. I quickly finished the rest and washed it down with a glass of water.

The Haitian just finished his last twig and then said, "Back to work?"

"Yeah," I replied, scraping my tongue with sandpaper. "We've got some evidence for the lab to examine."

"I will take it there immediately," he replied diligently.

"Here you-" I reached into my paper bag and felt around. "Well, that's odd...where's the-"

Our Chart

"Why'd you bring her?" Nathan asked, nodding over toward my newest partner, Meredith. "I thought you were into talk, dark and handsome memory-wipers."

"Sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire," I replied.

Then, Tracy walked over to me excitedly and shook my hand. "Thanks for saving us, Mr..."

"Bennet," I replied. "Mr. Bennet. And it's very ice to meet you."

She seemed to blush.

Then, I pulled Meredith closer to us and said, "This is Meredith, an old friend of Nathan's."

"Oh, she doesn't look that old," Tracy replied.

Meredith's eyes lit on fire. I quickly explained the details of our relationships, to cool things down. "...and so, now Claire's mine."

Tracy seemed confused.

"It's simple really," I explained. "Nathan and Meredith had a baby. I adopted the baby with Sandra. My old partner, The Haitian, also helps protect her. My new partner is Meredith, Claire's real mom. Nathan's new partner is you, the twin sister of his old partner, Niki, who he thought was Jessica, which me met when he was married to Heidi."

She still wasn't getting it. So I drew a chart, like on The L Word. If it's good enough for Lesbians, it's good enough for me, I always say.



"See?" I said as she took in the visual.

Nathan was confused now. "What's with the X's on Heidi?" he asked.

"Oh, the X's mean the person's dead now."

"Heidi's not dead," he replied, "I mean, I don't think she is."

"Oh, well, you get the point."

Who You Gonna Call?

Has anyone seen the electrifying blonde bimbo?

I left several voicemails for her, but no response. It's like she's avoiding me, or found another evil company to work for.

"Hello, Elle? It's Mr. Bennet. Look, I don't know if this is still your number or not, but it's all we had on file. Please, contact me as soon as you get this. We really need a new receptionist. Our current one is having hip replacement surgery, so we have to find someone to fill her shoes for a few months. You were the first person we thought of! So, give me a call."

I just left my last message for her when I got an important phone call from...Claire's Bio-Daddy!

Yes, if I had a mortal enemy (other than The Company, Mohinder, occasionally Claire, Sylar and all the other villains I've bagged and tagged over the years), then he certainly would be it.

Ever since the pajama incident, he and I just haven't gotten along.

"Those stupid-looking pajama bottoms make your butt look big."

Then, there's the whole family drama of having his and Meredith's daughter as my own.

"Hurry, Noah," he said over the phone. "There's something strange in our neighborhood!"

"Hey, I told your brother to call me Noah. It's still Mr. Bennet to you." I snapped at him.

"Whatever. Just get down here. Tracy and I are scared. Well, mostly me. Hurry! I don't want her seeing me like this. We don't know what to do!" Okay, maybe that wasn't his exact words, the details are fuzzy. The point is, I put our differences aside and went in to help him.

Meredith and I hopped into our pimped out Nissan.



I arrived, as I always do, just in time.

"I ain't 'fraid of no cocoons," I said as I fired my taser.

The cocoon man that was pretending to attack my friends (in the John McCain sense of the word, meaning people I haven't shot yet) was momentarily electrified long enough for them to escape its grasp. I remember the good ol' days when instead of tasers, I'd just give Elle a squeeze and she'd fire off a few rounds. We need to find that girl....

"Wow," Nathan's latest blonde acquaintance said, "that sexy man in horn-rimmed glasses just saved our lives. He's so mysterious."

Nathan rolled his eyes.

New Policies - Part 2

Continued from Part One....

Finally, some good news.



Angela in a coma.

And with Bob dead....and Kaito dead....and Thompson dead....and Linderman dead....and Bernie Mac dead....

I'm now in charge of The Company!

The Haitian let out a hearty, "..."

"First order of business," I said, "Let's find Elle. Sure, I don't like her, but she still qualifies for our pension plan, and I want to make sure she earns it!"

The Haitian just nodded.

"Next, let's ban Peter from the premises. I'm really tired of that depressed whiner. The paper business is for real men only."

"Peter left," The Haitian informed me.

"Good. Then, let's move on to Sylar. I want him locked away and put into a coma until we find a way to kill him for good."

"Sylar is already locked up and in an induced coma."

Well, this Company running thing sure was a lot easier than I expected it to be. I think this could be a record profit-earning quarter for us. We just need a few more changes.

I needed to put the word out to my buddy, Shaq. So, I called him up.

"Ya?" he answered the phone.

"It's me, Noah. I need your help. I'm running the paper company right now, and well, quite frankly, we got a lot of fat losers on the staff. I need you down here to whip 'em into shape."

"Sure thing, man. That's what I do, you know, I just do things like that, you know, it's what I do, so Imma gonna do it, man."

He flew down within the hour and began training our sales team.



With our employees getting whipped into shape, it was time for me to whip up morale. The best way is with a mascot.


I call him Bready in Horn-Rimmed Glasses.

Finally, The Company was beginning to look like more than a simple front for a clandestine people-hunting organization. It was starting to look like a real company, one that would have family picnics for its employees (without radioactive tracking isotopes hidden in the food).

I sat happily in the big chair dreaming of our wonderful future. Perhaps I'll consider acquiring Dunder-Mifflin next quarter.

New Policies - Part 1

"We need more men!" I screamed at The Haitian.

He replied, "..."

"I know, they're all dead!" I sunk into my chair. Things have been terrible in the paper business ever since the Level 5 incident. We've been going through agents faster than Ben Savage. It was definitely hindering our ability to sell paper and shoot bad guys.

I suppose we'd have to start recruitment.

If only West didn't disappear. That kid already started down the path toward becoming a Company Man.

Then, of course, there was Claire. She did surprise me with the way she got out of the huge mess she got into with Eric Doyle. But she's too young and too much my daughter. I would worry for her safety, even though ultimately I would be very proud to have my kid follow in my footsteps.

"What about me, Dad?" some whiny little boy asked.

"What are you doing here? Are you the new intern?"

"It's me, Lyle," the unfamiliar brat said. "I could be a paper salesman."

I just laughed and sent him back home.

This would have been much easier if we never had all those Level 5 villains escape. Stupid Elle. It's all her....

Elle. She's still on our payroll! She should be working for us!

I made my way to the boss's office to demand Elle's reinstatement.

"I know she's an entitled little bimbo, but gosh darn it, she's our entitled little bimbo!" I said as I knocked open the door.


Angela didn't reply.

Peter and Sylar stared at me, as though I had just urinated on their mother's grave or something.

"My mother..." Peter began to sob.

"Our mother!" Sylar announced.

"She has fallen into a cold, bitter state."

"Yeah, like that's a new development," I replied. "Look, I need a word with your mom. It's about Elle."

"She's in a coma," Sylar informed me.

"That's great!" I exclaimed. "That old hag has been running this paper company into the ground."

"Some studies suggest that coma patients can still hear," The Haitian said as he entered behind me.

"...uh, the ground is a great place for a paper company!" I quickly added. I grabbed The Haitian and darted out of the room.

In the hallway outside Angela's room, I said to The Haitian, "I think this makes me the boss."

"..."

"That's just what I was thinking!" It was time to make some changes around here.

To be concluded....

Internet Suggestions

If you're like me, then when you're not out shooting people, you're online checking out all the great content this giant series of tubes has to offer.

I thought I'd go ahead and make things easier for you. Sure, Google has already made it insanely easy to find anything you're looking for, but what about the stuff you're not looking for? That's where I come in. Here are some things you should be doing on the Internet:

Of course, the first thing is to be reading my blog, which you're doing. So, good job! You'll make a great paper salesman someday, kid.





The next thing, which is almost as important as reading my blog, is to add me on MySpace. It's how I keep tabs on Claire and any other youth that may be experiencing odd symptoms. Visit my profile.

Since you like reading blogs so much, be sure to stop by The Burnt Toast Diner. I hear Adam posted today. I've been wondering what happened to him. I thought he was buried, or cremated, or something. Oh, well, maybe I'll stop by the cafe and see what he's up to these days.




And the next fun thing for all of you loyal paper-enthusiasts to do is check out the forums on Primatech's website. You can discuss all the happenings in our crazy world of paper! You'd be surprised at all the things there is to discuss: Who would have Sylar's baby? Is Obama REALLY a terrorist? Why is Mohinder still alive?




I'm sure you have a lot of Internet activities of your own, which is why you'll find text boxes above with image links that you can use. Post links on your own blog, or on your own MySpace profile. The Company keeps an eye on where our Internet traffic is coming from. So, if you link to me, or The Company or The Burnt Toast Cafe, maybe I'll stop by your Internet hang out in search of special people. Don't worry, I won't bag and tag you...more than once.

Mission Six: Seeing It Through

I know you're all hoping I participate in a wet t-shirt contest some day, but I think this is as close as it will ever get.

The Sixth Leg of The Amazing Mutant Race 4