Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Mr. Bennet: Pepped and Ready

You know what they say, the third time's a charm. I didn't win the first two Last Gladiator Standing competitions, but they were rigged, I tell you. I only lost the first one because I wasn't invited to compete. Then, I lost the second because Dark Jedi Kriss knew she couldn't win against me in the final two. But this time, I'm going to win.

How do I know? Simple, I'm now a staple of blog reality shows, and we in the paper business know the importance of staples. I recently won Sylar's Bachelor, and with it, I ate George Clooney's brain and now have the power of super stardom. It'll be just like Rob & Amber going on to the Amazing Race after kicking tropical butt on Survivor.

"What do you mean they lost the Amazing Race?" I threw a stapler at my publicist.

"Ow, I just mean that they came in second," he replied. The stapler that had struck him suddenly grew insect-like legs and scurried away.

"So are you saying fame doesn't win you reality shows?"

"Only American Idol, the rest require talent and skill." Then, my publicist was no longer my publicist. I mean, he was, but it was like he was my mom as well.


"Oh, shut it, Noah. Get that loofa and have at my back," my publicist/mom shouted.

"We don't have time for your hygiene, besides you're still dead, remember? Ask Jesus to wash your back."

"You mean Buddha?"

Then, John Lennon walked up to me, placed a hand on my shoulder and said, "Mr. Bennet, you can't win this one with fame alone. You have to be the ball."

"But I'm famous, George Clooney famous!" I protested.

"So was he once," Lennon said before flying away on a yellow submarine.

This definitely threw a wrench into my plans.

"Mr. Bennet," I heard a voice calling out. "Mr. Bennet?"

I opened my eyes to find myself lying on the ground with an incredible pain in my head. "What happened?" I asked.

Find out what happened!