Sunday, September 30, 2007


Things have been going wonderfully for the Butlers, other than one minor situation. It's clear that the Big Man is watching over me.

Yes, Andy Griffith. He's watching down from Heaven, protecting me from the evil paper company where I was once employed. He even helped me get a nice severance package...well, that was more Matlock than Andy.

In honor of this divine intervention in my life, and despite my non-belief, I decided to take Claire on a trip to an old church here in Costa Verde. What better way to start a new life than with a cleansing religious journey and a couple hotdogs from a street vendor?

"Greetings, my children," the priest said to us as we stepped into the cathedral. "Sorry, you can't bring that inside."

I looked at Claire.

"No, not her. The hotdog."

I stuffed the last bite in my mouth and said, "Nnhmm kkkinnn aaeee?"

"Come on in," he replied. Claire and I walked inside. The priest left to his rectory. I looked around at the magnificent artwork: religious murals, sculptures of people doing stuff, wooden seating things. It was an amazing sight! If only The Haitian was here, I thought. He was always such a spiritual fellow. Plus that hotdog was rather disgusting and I could have used him to forget this aftertaste.

Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne blasted out of Claire's cellphone. She flipped it open and said, "Oh, my God, it's like Sarah! I bet she totally wants to tell me about how awesome my new shoes are." She stepped into the confessional to answer the call. I could hear the muffled sounds of teenage girl talk echoing throughout the chamber.

Then, a light caught my eye. It seemed to call me toward it. The light was mystically shining through a high window, the beam visible in the dusty atmosphere of this medieval building. "A Jesus light!" I gasped and made my way toward it.

Then I saw him! He was a tad transparent, but I could see his face clearly. And he saw me.

"Noah," he said, "A flood is coming!"

In a panic I jumped on top the nearest pew, so as not to get my feets wet.

"No, no, no," Andy said, "Not that kind of flood. It's a metaphor, my son. You are the only one that can save humanity. You must build an..."

"Ark?" I interrupted.

"Now what good would a big wooden boat be against super powered humans?"


"No! You must build an army. Unite your friends together, turn your enemies into fellow combatants. The evil you will have to face is too strong for any one man."

"I understand," I replied. I started to cross myself out of respect, but forgot the motions.

"Now, do you have any questions of me before you go?"

"Well, I want my family to be safe. And for some strange reason, I have the feeling we're being watched. I covered my tracks well. The company doesn't know where we are. But I still feel someone is watching us. Is the company on to me?"

"Noah, relax. The company is no threat to you."

"What about Gabriel?"

"His name is Sylar!" Andy corrected in a sinister manner.

"Sorry," I said, "What about Sylar? I think he's dead, but someone online is pretending to be him. Could he have survived? I had a conversation on AIM with someone claiming to be Sylar. And it seemed like him too! All the girly mannerisms came out in his typing. Is it really him? Is Sylar still alive?"

"This you must discover on your own, Noah."

Suddenly, Claire was yelling in my ear, "Daaaaaad!!! Hello???"

I turned.

"Gah! You were like totally spaced out or something. Can we like go now? I want to go lie on my bed and fiddle with my hair."

"Sure," I said. I turned back to Andy, but he was gone. I put my arm around Claire and walked toward the exist. "Didja ever get the feeling you was being watched?"

"Uh, like, duh! I'm all hot and stuff."

As I walked out of the church, I couldn't help feeling like someone was watching us. Could it be the company? Could it be Sylar? Or even something worse than either of them?

"Take picture, five dollar!" a man called out to me.

"What do you say, Claire Bear?" I asked. "Should the Butlers start on a new photo album?"

"No way, Dad. That's so gay."

"Come on. It'll be fun. A beautiful church. Let's get our picture."

I managed to hold what may look like a smile, but as I posed I couldn't shake the feeling someone was watching me.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

A Situation - Part 2

Continued from part one.

"Don't move or the airhead gets it, man!"

My Claire Bear was in danger. This crazy liberal environut was threatening her life right in front of me.

"Now, do exactly as I say, Mr..." the environut leaned in to read my name tag, "...Butler. How appropriate? Your name is Butler, man, and you have to do what I say, man." He burst out in laughter.

Mike, Jennifer and Chuck, the former Copy Kingdom employees that turned coat and joined Environut, all stared blankly at the man.

"See, man, it's funny cause a butler is a servant, man. And I tell him what to do, man. So he's like a butler, man, my butler, man, and his name is Butler. Get it, man?"

"Not really," Jennifer said. She came over and stood beside me.

"It's kind of lame," Mike said, following Jennifer.

"Cheese is fun," Chuck said, coming over to our side.

The formerly former Copy Kingdom employees were back on my side. It was a good thing too. I could hear our manager crying from the back room.

"You all are fools, man!" the environut said, "You're all pawns of the Man, man. Don't let him control you, man! Only you can prevent deforestation!"

Jennifer said, "Yay, trees!" and went back to the environut.

Mike asked what deforestation was. I answered and he said, "Right on, dude!" and gave me a high five as he left to join Environut.

"Ghost hotdogs live in my pancreas," Chuck said, changing sides.

I was once again outnumbered. But I had a secret weapon. "Claire," I said, "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to let the man paper slice your throat. Before you die, though, can I see you do some crazy cheerleading stuff, for old time's sake?"

"But, like, Dad, yesterday you were all "Don't cheerlead no more Claire. We're Butlers now and we have no physical agility," and stuff like that."

"Trust me, Claire." I winked at her and nodded to the environut.

"Oh, I like totally get it now!" she said. Her foot shot into the air and kicked Jennifer in the face. Then, she shot her arms out sharply punching Mike and Chuck in their noses."

"My nose says owie!" Chuck said and fell to the floor.

Then, with a quick jerk of his wrist, the environut gave Claire a huge paper cut across her jugular.

"NooOOOoocooOOoO!!!" I hollered. Claire fell to the floor.

"Should have saved the trees, man," said Environut.

"That's what you think. All that was a distraction so I could break out the origami!" I hurled a sharpened paper airplane at the man, impaling him in the chest. He grasped at the wound as he fell to his knees. Claire stood up, perfectly healed.

"Go home, Claire," I said, "I'll take care of this."

Jennifer and Mike apologized for their treachery. Chuck said something about radical wheat monkeys, which I took as an apology.

"Let's go tell the boss," I said. The four of us headed to the back room. Chuck got lost on the way.

Jennifer, Mike and I entered the back room. "Boss?" I called out. Mike walked around the table when he suddenly flipped and fell. I looked down to see he had stepped in a yellowish puddle. Kneeling, I put my finger in the puddle, then tasted. "Urine," I said, "Likely from a nine year old girl with asthma." Then I noticed the pee owner trembling in the fetal position under the table.

"Come on out, boss," I said to him, "The situation has been taken care of."

Friday, September 28, 2007

A Situation - Part 1

California. A place where dreams come true and crazy liberal environuts run amok. In Texas, they'd be kept on a short leash, hanging from a tree, if Texas still had trees that is.

For some odd reason, people here don't realize that paper is merely the next natural stage in the life cycle of a tree. "Trees are people, too!" they cry. Well, that just means paper is old people.

One particular environut came into Copy Kingdom today.

"Trees deserve civil rights, man!" he shouted, kicking over boxes of my favorite glossy photo paper. The box's contents scattered all over the floor.

I didn't suspect his display to be very effective. Imagine Martin Luther King demanding rights for African-Americans, then kicking an elderly Black woman out of her wheelchair.

But he gained a large following! Over two Copy Kingdom employees rallied behind him.

Out of habit, I pulled my Primatech gun from its holster. But I forgot that instead of a holster, I now wore a fanny pack. And instead of a Primatech gun, I pulled a stick of gum.

"Care for a chew?" I asked, concealing my embarassment.

"No, thank you," the environut replied. "Bad breath is kind of my thing, man. It goes with my neo-hippy virtues."

"Right," I said and took a seat.

Then my boss walked in from the back room. "Butler! Have you seen my..." He froze, noticing the tiny riot on his hands.

"We have a protestor," I said, "and three of our people joined him." I pointed at Jennifer, Mike and Chuck. "He's not armed nor dangerous, but he kicked over those boxes."

My manager screamed a high pitched wail. My horn-rimmed glasses would have broke had I not recently reinforced them in preparation of such an event. The store manager turned and ran to the back room, crying and flinging his arms about. I heard the deadbolt close. It was clear. I was on my own.

I was about to make my brilliant move, but Claire entered. "Like hey, Dad! What's up? I was totally just walking by after buying these awesome shoes and, like, there was Copy Kingdom and I was like, "Oh, my gosh, my dad totally works there and stuff!" and I totally wanted to stop by and say hi, so...uh, like hi, Dad!"

Suddenly, the environut grabbed her and put a sheet of paper to her throat. "Stay back, man! Make one move, man, and she dies from the evil you created, man! Man, man, I'm serious, man!"


Thursday, September 27, 2007

New New Job

So my new job with Dunder-Mifflin didn't last long. The first day at work, things started poorly.

"Yo!" some crazy guy called out to me, he looked a lot like Ed Helms. I immediately took offense at his attempt to be hip and pushed him into a coat hanger.

Then, things got a little weird between me and the secretary. She was always staring at me! Come to think of it, most of my colleagues were staring at me. Don't these people have better things to do than stare at each other???

All in all, it was a horrible job. Being on the run from the company was no paper picnic. I had planned to stick it out anyway for the love of my family and paper. We needed the cash, and Scranton was a good place to hide. But for some odd reason, the branch I was working at is part of a TV documentary. So, I had to leave. They were about to start their new season and I didn't want any over-zealous paper enthusiasts recognizing me.

Luckily, I found a new job at Copy Kingdom, which is where I'm writing from now. The job is totally unrewarding. I rarely get to kill anyone, and the last guy I bagged and tagged demanded a refund (which came out of my paycheck). But I'm hidden, and that's what counts. Plus I get a lot of free time. The manager is an idiot, and I laid the law down. He knows now not to interrupt when I'm reading my daily Dilbert.

Too prove how much of an idiot my new boss is, check out his reaction to this Mutts comic:

This is used without permission from the original author to show you how stupid Mutts comics really are.

It's a disgrace that this comic is put on the same page as Dilbert! Such disregard for genius is to be expected in California though, which I regret to say is my new home state. I miss Texas so very much!

And now look how my idiot boss responded to the Mutts comic:

Laughing???? He's LAUGHING! What's wrong with this man?

I really hope I can find some normal people around these parts. Where are the intellectual assassins for hire? Where are the emotionally-distant control freaks? Where's FoxNews? California is definitely a big change for me. But I'll manage. I'm nothing if not wily.