Friday, June 26, 2009

Still on the Outs with Sandra

"Noah, I don't want to talk to you anymore!" she yelled through the phone.

"But we've been over this," I continued to plead with her, "I thought you were a man, baby."

She would have none of it. I don't understand. Plenty of men get to rough up their domestic partners from time to time. They don't get kicked out. No. A real wife realizes it's just his emotionally-stunted way of saying "I love you".

But Sandra Bennet--or Sandra Rosenhopper, as I'm afraid she's reverted back to using her maiden name--is being unreasonable.

"So, I got a little rough," I explained. "You used to like that."

"I've had enough, Noah."

I didn't know what to say.

She continued, "You just can't lie to your wife for 15 years, erase her memory, sit on her precious prize-winning Pomeranian, think she's a man, attack her and forget your anniversary because of the new Star Trek premiere. We're through."

"But, you're the love of my life, the special sauce in my Big Mac. I can't do this without you. I need you. You're everything a mysterious man in horn-rimmed glasses could want. You are my hero."

I waited for a response. Nothing. I then realized she had hung up. My words were wasted.

I guess this means I'm dating again....a fate worse than death.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Update 1

I know. I haven't been blogging. Well, you see the Internet went out at work. Then, shortly after that, work blew up.

"I can't blog anymore, Angela. My office looks like The Alamo."

"Sorry, Bennet. The days of Primatech are over," she replied. "Driver, stop here. I need socks."

So, being unemployed, I had no choice but to go job-hunting.

I decided I'd call up my old friend Michael Scott at Dunder-Mifflin.

Oddly enough, I was informed that Michael Scott left to start his own paper company. An interesting development. I quickly called him up at his new place of business. Surely he'd be needing a right hand man at the firm.

"How well can I catch cheese puffs in my mouth?" I repeated the question. Was this another one of Michael's silly jokes? I really didn't know how to respond. "Well, Michael, I don't eat cheese puffs. They're fattening."

"Sorry, Noah," he replied, "we've already got two employees, and that's all I can afford at the moment."

"Actually, you can't afford that," I heard a young boy say.

Michael shushed him and said, "Hey, but maybe in the future. We're sure to be a Titanic of industry soon."

And so, with my options exhausted, I turned to welfare. It was an odd feeling walking into the cold, dull government building. I looked at the long line of lifeless faces. After several hours, I made it up to the desk.

"Hi. I was recently laid off. I used to be a secret paper salesman."

"Hmmm..." the clerk said. "One moment." She clicked away at her computer for a few minutes, then said, "Yes, it looks like we've actually got an opening in a new secret government organization."

"Government?" I thought about how my skills would surely go to waste in such a menial position. But then I realized that with this economy, and the US on its way to socialism, a government job is the only secure thing right now. "Do we get Martin Luther King, Jr. Day off?"


"I'll take it!"

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Time for Redemption

I've been....not so good for pretty much my entire life. Sure, when I was at my evilest, my primary motivation was the safety of my family, but it's time for a new era: an era of redemption.

Sylar is dead after all. Totally dead. Beyond coming-back-from-the-dead dead. And so, with him finally (and completely and thoroughly) out of the way, I can finally relax my evilness and live permanently on the good side of the line.

So, as I watched Sylar's body (his real, actual body) burn away to nothing more than an ashy, Sylary skeleton, I decided to make a list of all the bad things I've done so I can make up for them one by one.

My List

  • #4. Broke Mohinder's Nose

  • #12. Sat on Mr. Muggles

  • #15. Manhandled Sandra when I thought she was Sylar

  • #23. Tricked Hana into thinking she was working for the CIA

  • #38. Caused the Travelocity Roaming Gnome to commit suicide

  • #42. Didn't share my Twix with The Haitian

  • #50. Killed Ivan.

  • #64. Pointed out Angela to the security guard when she was shoplifting socks

  • #67. Shot Elle in the butt

  • #72. Neglected my blogging duties

I didn't post the entire list. Some things don't need to be public. Plus, I'm still adding more to it as I remember. If I wronged you, feel free to let me know and I'll add it to my list.

Aside from making up for the bad things I've done, I'll have to be less mysterious. Where there's a cloak, there's a dagger. So, no more calling me Mr. Bennet. Maybe having people call me by my first name, like normal people do, would make me less mysterious and more good. I should probably get contact lenses too, but I don't think I'm ready to go that far just yet.

I'm just trying to be a better person.

My name is Noah.