Monday, April 21, 2008

Call Me Sylar's Bachelor

Winning Sylar's Bachelor has really changed my life. As part of the prize, I got to eat George Clooney brains, giving me the power of absolute fame.

As soon as I walked out of the mansion, the paparazzi were waiting.

"Mr. Bennet! What are you going to do now?"
"Will you be in Sylar's Bachelor 2?"
"Are you really Jaime Lynn Spears' baby daddy?"

The questions and camera flashes shot at me like Bosnian sniper fire, only more real and life-threatening, as I made my way to my Nissan.

I believe I ran over a couple paparazzi on my drive out.

As soon as I got back home, Sandra introduced me to my publicist, Justin Stauber. I swear he seemed drunk. He was certainly an enthusiastic drunk, though. Reminded me of Ivan.

He stood and shook my hand. "Hello, Noah. I'm Justin Stauber, VP of Marketing with Primatech."

"Yeah, I know you," I replied. "Didn't Sylar kill you?"

"Didn't Mohinder kill you?" he asked.

"Good point. But Sylar ate your brain."

"Yeah, well...I got better." He offered me some cantaloupe, which I declined. "You're the hottest paper salesman in the world right now, MB. The Company sent me here to help you capitalize on that fame."

"I like Capitalization," I said, making a pun only noticeable had I written it instead of spoken it orally to him. I'm sure he would have laughed.

"Exactly, and so that's why we have a five point plan lined out..."

"Hold on," I said. I started laughing. "You probably didn't notice, but I capitalized capitalization when I said it earlier."


"Get it?" The joke clearly went over his head.

"Yeah, so as I was saying, we have a five point plan. First, we get you out there while keeping you hidden."

Sandra picked up Mr. Muggles and said, "Mr. Muggles, listen to this. This is how you become a superstar, yes you do."

"How exactly does that work?" I asked.

"We get you into movies, underwear ads, Dilbert calendars. Anything where people will see you, adore you superficially and beg for more. That's when we move to phase two, a press conference."

I nodded. I've been in the business since this kid's mom was buying him Primatech diapers from, you guessed it, me. I knew a thing or two about Capitalization. Ha! That kills me.

"How about this," I offered. "Let's do the press conference tomorrow."

He seemed nervous. "But Mr. B, my five point plan..."

"My plan has one point: me. Besides, tomorrow's Earth Day, and the people will love to hear from a paper company representative on Earth Day."

"I just think..."

"Get to it, Jason. This press conference has to be top notch."

"It's Justin."

"Yeah, that's not going to work either." I looked him over. "How about Larry?"

"I like Justin."

"Alright, Larry. Get started on my press conference. My public needs me."

"Yes, sir." He shuffled up papers into his briefcase and slammed it shut.

Sandra stuck Mr. Muggles in his face and said, "Mr. Muggles could use a five point plan! Yes he can!"

So, Larry and I set to work preparing for the big press conference. Got any questions for me? Comment them.


Elizabeth said...

Is it nice to be so sexy?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

If Primatech is just producing and selling paper and paper products, why is their facility responsible for 96% of the polution in Odessa, Texas?

Private Hudson said...

Do you have Prince Albert in a can?

*snicker snicker*