Friday, September 28, 2007

A Situation - Part 1

California. A place where dreams come true and crazy liberal environuts run amok. In Texas, they'd be kept on a short leash, hanging from a tree, if Texas still had trees that is.

For some odd reason, people here don't realize that paper is merely the next natural stage in the life cycle of a tree. "Trees are people, too!" they cry. Well, that just means paper is old people.

One particular environut came into Copy Kingdom today.

"Trees deserve civil rights, man!" he shouted, kicking over boxes of my favorite glossy photo paper. The box's contents scattered all over the floor.

I didn't suspect his display to be very effective. Imagine Martin Luther King demanding rights for African-Americans, then kicking an elderly Black woman out of her wheelchair.

But he gained a large following! Over two Copy Kingdom employees rallied behind him.

Out of habit, I pulled my Primatech gun from its holster. But I forgot that instead of a holster, I now wore a fanny pack. And instead of a Primatech gun, I pulled a stick of gum.

"Care for a chew?" I asked, concealing my embarassment.

"No, thank you," the environut replied. "Bad breath is kind of my thing, man. It goes with my neo-hippy virtues."

"Right," I said and took a seat.

Then my boss walked in from the back room. "Butler! Have you seen my..." He froze, noticing the tiny riot on his hands.

"We have a protestor," I said, "and three of our people joined him." I pointed at Jennifer, Mike and Chuck. "He's not armed nor dangerous, but he kicked over those boxes."

My manager screamed a high pitched wail. My horn-rimmed glasses would have broke had I not recently reinforced them in preparation of such an event. The store manager turned and ran to the back room, crying and flinging his arms about. I heard the deadbolt close. It was clear. I was on my own.

I was about to make my brilliant move, but Claire entered. "Like hey, Dad! What's up? I was totally just walking by after buying these awesome shoes and, like, there was Copy Kingdom and I was like, "Oh, my gosh, my dad totally works there and stuff!" and I totally wanted to stop by and say hi, so...uh, like hi, Dad!"

Suddenly, the environut grabbed her and put a sheet of paper to her throat. "Stay back, man! Make one move, man, and she dies from the evil you created, man! Man, man, I'm serious, man!"



Sylar said...

Your, like, daughter sounds like me lol! Our brains should totally become one, don't you think Mr. Glasses? Or wait a sec I know something even better! Maybe our brains will be one (my brain), and another digesting in my stomach (Claire's brain). It's like, perfect lol!

Elizabeth said...

Like, whoa.
HRG, I am just like you, you know? I'm like, you know, some kind of your astral twin or something. Well, I think dr Suresh would know. You should ask him about it.