Sunday, December 2, 2007

Mission Five: Doombot

The following is from Who Wants to be a Super Villain.

Finally, I'm presented with a challenge that may prove difficult. All the past ones dealt with one of my many areas of expertise. But this challenge is new grounds. I've never once built a Robot of Doom.

Mr. Bennet...uh, I mean, Mr. up for any challenge this competition can throw at me. I'm driven by the desire to protect my family, and this game's perhaps non-existent prize could do just that.

"Let's win this one!" I shouted.

The girls broke out into cheers to lift our spirits. Once said spirits reached an appropriate altitude, I questioned The Haitian about a plan.

"Robots of Doom need massive firepower," he suggested.

Kandi added, "Like a big flame thrower and stuff!"

I was becoming concerned. This was already turning into an ambitious project.

"And a power source," The Haitian said.

"My god! You're a genius."

The power source would be the key to this challenge. While the other contestants slave away giving their robots an over-the-top arsenal, quirky personalities and benign pop culture references, I would create the most powerful Doombot of all!

I sensed an opportunity for a maniacal evil genius laugh and took it.

"That was a good laugh," The Haitian complimented.

"Really? You think so?" I asked.

"Indeed. Very evil; maniacal even."

I didn't want to overdo the moment (let's leave that to Nemonok), so the team and I set off in search of the ultimate power source.

"What's the most powerful thing on Earth?" I inquired rhetorically.

"Ummm....the orange dust from Cheetos?" Kandi asked.

"A thousand hamsters running in wheels?" The Haitian offered.

"No," I said. "God."

"Oh, like, duh!" said Kandi. "I totally learned that at Bible Camp."

I decided to use my recently acquired organization to help me harness the power of God. Consulting the Vatican's library, I found all the information on the Holy Grail.

"Oooh, cool. A cup!" Christina said enthusiastically.

"Better than a cup," I replied, "a woman!"

"In Haiti, women have no power," The Haitian droned.

According to the Vatican's secret files, Opus Dei had discovered that the Holy Grail is protected, guarded by the last remaining Knight Templar. It is said that he was given amazing powers by the Grail and uses them to defend her and the environment.

Opus Dei agents, Duke Nukem and Looten Plunder, were each defeated by the green-haired guardian. But I had already defeated him myself. At this very moment he was being crushed by my garbage compactor.

"Um, boss?" Kandi said, "Mr. Planet, like, blasted through the wall."

"Blast that Captain Planet!"

Fortunately, before bagging him, I made sure to tag him. He'll lead us straight to the Holy Grail, and we'll know where to send the bill for repairing the hole in my lair.

The Haitian and I tracked his movements while the girls began putting together the Robot of Doom. He stopped off first at Starbucks, probably to fraternize with that pseudo-intellectual elitist stormtrooper. After that, he flew to the Democratic Debate. Could Hillary Clinton be the Holy Grail?

"More like the Anti-Christ!" I laughed.

"Huh?" asked The Haitian.

"Nevermind." I glanced at the tracking monitor. The blip had come to a rest. "There!" I pointed.

The Haitian did a quick Google search and said, "Jane Fonda's house."

"of course! She and her diabolical husband created Captain Planet. She's the Holy Grail!"

"To the Batcave!" The Haitian shouted.

A spinning logo and moments later we were at Fonda's FortressTM. With a series of kick-flips, the cheerleaders neutralized the guard dogs. The Haitian picked the lock, and we were inside.

"Oh, my!" Fonda cried. "Get out of my house, now!"

"I don't think so," I replied. "Have a seat."

"Planeteers! Help!" she called out in vain.

"Sorry, Ms. Fonda, but they're fish food now, eco-friendly fish food."

"Who are you?" she asked terrified.

"I'm the man in horn-rimmed glasses. You can call me Noah."

The Haitian used his crazy mental powers to knock her out cold. The logo spun again and we were back at the lair.

"Wake up, Ms. Fonda," I said as I waved a jar of ammonia under her nose. "There's a big day ahead of you."

"Wh...where am I?" she asked.

"You're inside my Robot of Doom." I replied. "All you have to do is run on that treadmill and you'll generate the energy I need. Energy from the Holy Grail herself! My Robot of Doom will be unstoppable!"

"You're mad!"

"I know. Now get to running, babe."

"Never!" she protested.

"If you don't run," I threatened, "I'll have my friend here put you in that blender. We'll grind you into a burnable oil. You know how much using you as that kind of energy source will pollute the Earth?"

"Alright! I'll run! Just promise you'll keep carbon emissions low."

She began running and the robot roared to life. The Haitian and I exited the robot to watch its first mission. Captain Planet arrived, right on schedule.

"Robot of Doom," I commanded, "Kill Captain Planet!"

And kill it did.


West said...

Dude, I am in awe of your robot building skills. Do you think that your Doombot could spar with my Mecha Claire sometime?

Claire B said...

That must be why you never let me watch captain planet as a little kid.