Wednesday, September 24, 2008

An Imitation Haitian

Stopping these villains is going to be tough, especially without The Haitian. I may be able to find him, but if I don't, I'll need a back up plan.

That means I'll need a sidekick. Someone to distract the villains. Someone that can absorb their punches, their fire attacks, their kicks to the groin, while I manage to aim and shoot.

The Travelocity Roaming Gnome should work.

But I'll need to Haitian him up a bit. First, for my own comfort, I need him to smell like The Haitian. It helps me when I'm in a familiar environment. Haiti, as you probably know, is an island and fishing is a big deal there. So, naturally, The Haitian always smells like fish. You can take The Haitian out of Haiti, but you can't take the fishing instincts out of The Haitian. This was a problem at first. We'd bag and tag someone, toss 'em in the backseat and while heading back to the office they would ask, "What smells like carp?" It wasn't good for morale.

This fish would help, though. A rub of this and my little non-organic gnome will be practically an exact replica of The Haitian!

Unfortunately, even with the new stench, my gnome partner is lacking one of the most important qualities The Haitian had: intimidation. He could make anyone carp their pants with a single glance! Skills like that only come from years living in silence and being bald. Since I can't shave my gnome, we'll need a way to compensate for his apparent wussness. He can carry around this:

Now, anyone who sees a stinky little gnome with a canon like that will know we mean business.

Bring it on.


Anonymous said...

That gnome is a pussy. I have the army of Travelocity Puppets at my command.

They already smell like carp.

Elizabeth said...

Oh I'm so sorry sweetheart, I'm already an apprentice to The German.

Anonymous said...

I don't trust the gnome.

Mr. Bennet said...

Elizabeth: I plan on killing The German, just like I killed The Ukrainian and The Argentinian and The Haitian, or wait, I just lost him. Speaking of which, if you see him, tell him I could use his help.

anonymous 2: Don't worry. Just because he's my partner doesn't mean I trust him. Just ask Sandra. I plant bugs on her all the time.

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