Preparing the Gnome

I had replaced The Haitian with the Travelocity Roaming Gnome as my partner in paper sales, also known as bagging and tagging. Now, it was time for a trial run.

"Hey, Claire. You can't feel anything, right?" I said as I shot her in the shoulder.

"No," her body pushed the bullet out as she replied, "I'm completely dead inside."

"That's great!"

I gathered up my new partner and went over the gameplan. "Listen up, The Gnome, we're going to run you through a simulation to see if you have what it takes to hunt down these villains with me. This will be nothing compared to what you'll face out there." He began trembling in his pointy red hat. I continued, "The villains we'll be facing are mean, tough people. They'd kill their own mother's mother for a buck twenty-five. They won't hesitate to rip your gnomey little head clean off your non-existent neck."

"Oh, my!" The Gnome replied.

"Oh, your, indeed." I patted him on the back and said, "Let's do this."

"Must we?" he asked.

I drop-kicked him into the living room, where Claire was waiting. "Distract her while I move in for the kill!" I commanded as I snapped a new clip into my gun.

"I should have gone to med school!" The Gnome cried as he flew through the air with the greatest of ease.

Once he landed, my Claire Bear attacked. "Oh, my God, you creepy little perv!" she yelled. "Get out of here!" She kicked The Gnome right at me as I took aim. I fired my gun as The Gnome struck me and blasted a hole through the television set.

"I guess we won't be watching Lipstick Jungle," The Gnome commented.

Perhaps this wasn't the best choice for a new partner.