Radioactive Interrogation

"We're going to see what gives you your spark, Theodore," I said to the bewildered caveman. He was still highly unaware of what was going on, but recognized me. There was no doubt anger in his heart.

"Me want food!" he hollered.

"This food?" I asked, holding a delicately prepared turkey on a silver platter and a Diet Pepsi.

Ted flung his arms up in the air like a radical wheat monkey and ran at me. His prehistoric face slammed into the Primatech Anti-Power Plexiglass^TM and he fell backwards.

Ha! He was stupefied. The hairy human rose to his feet, looked at the appetizing poultry and darted again straight into the window.

Ted gave out an angry howl and jumped back to his feet and charged the window. Again he was knocked back.

Another smack.

And another.

He charged at it yet again, but stopped short. His nostrils flared as he sniffed the transparent barrier. Then continued his charge, which resulted with him lying on the floor dazed.

"Relax, Theodore," I said. "You can have this if you answer my questions. Are you going to cooperate?"

"Ted co...co...oper...eat! Ted eat!" and he ran into the plexiglass.

"You're going to tell me everything, Theodore."

"Me not Theodore! Me Ted!"

"Theodore."

"Ted!"

"Theodore."

"Ted!"

"Ted."

"Theodore!"

"Alright," I said, "You win, Mr. Sprague. Now tell me, why do go nuclear?"

"Me not know. You make Ted cause fire! Ted like fire but fire kill Mrs. Ted. Me no like that! Makes me angry!"

"I see. And who was your first victim?"

"Me no have victims. Me have prey, cook food animals with good fire. Makes tummy happy!"

"Go on."

"Tummy not happy when me little. Mommy no cook with good fire. Mommy use electric box. Metal in box make boom, kill Mommy. Daddy try cook. Daddy no know how. Ted go hungry!"

"Did you enjoy your childhood?"

"Childhood bad! Ted hairy boy. Kids laugh at Ted. Ted cry!! Ted beat kids with club!"

"You felt angry."

"Me was angry! Kids mean. Hurt Ted!"

"It's okay, Theodore. You can tell me all about it."

"Me no want talk past any more! Me want talk now. Now Ted have good fire. Make bad people go boom!"

"And what's your goal now that you have been going nuclear?"

"Me want torch bad people! Make pay! They no treat Ted good. Doctor no help Mrs. Ted! You no help me! Mrs. Ted dead cause you and doctor and Wal-Mart greeter! Me want explode them all!"

"You realize, of course, that I can't allow that to happen."

"You no can stop the boom! The boom big! Me will make good fire on you!"

"Not if my friend takes a look under your hood."

"You look under loincloth?"

"No, that's not what I meant."

I had definitely made progress with Ted. Soon we'll know everything we need to and then, well, we'll have to snuff him.