Monday, October 22, 2007

Be a Cheerleader, Save your Dad

My little Claire Bear is once again one of those shallow few that get all the young boys they want. No, not a priest. She's a cheerleader! An overly-enthused frolicker full of school spirit. Luckily for me, she won't get any young boys. Sure, there will be many staring at her panties as she jumps up and down to help the football team win. But starers won't shoot me!

I'm fully protected by my fool-proof plan.

"Guess what, honey?"

"A salad fork?" my wife replied holding Mr. Muggles.

"No! Even better. Claire won't date boys. She made me a deal."

"Oh, no!" She started crying. "My little girl is a lesbian! I knew she was too smart to be a cheerleader. She was only drawn by the enticing aroma of locker room possibilities. I've been there myself many years ago."

"Sure you don't mean eons?" I asked.

"What?"

"Nothing." I touched her arm gently. Mr. Muggles growled at me. "It's not that. I made her choose between cheerleading or boys. She took cheerleading."

Mr. Muggles started to whine. Sandra patted his little head and said, "And you believed her? You seriously know nothing about women!"

"I know they can be fixed with double fudge brownies and ice cream."

She glared. "No girl would take cheerleading over boys. I mean, look at me! I chose you over mental health."

"Oh," I said, pensively stepping away.

Mr. Muggles started licking Sandra's ear as she continued to talk. "She lied to you. I wonder which one of us she gets that from?"

"I see." I flopped down on the sofa and rested my face in my hands. Could I have been so blind? Do I need metaphorical glasses? I looked up at Sandra and said, "My God, you could be right!"

She started licking Mr. Muggles. "Of course I'm right. Mr. Muggles whispered the truth in my ear. He's always right. He so smart! Aren't you, Mr. Muggles? Yes, you are! You are smart! Woofy, woofy smart!"

2 comments:

Elizabeth said...

I just can't help the feeling that Sandra is creepy. Come on, look at her! She's listening to a dog.

That is, unfortunately, absolutely right. Oh well.

Claire B said...

Don't listen to Muggles, he's just cranky because of his crappy spa day. He's taking it out on me, I swear.