Thursday, November 22, 2007

Holy Revenge

At the moment, I'm wondering where I am. However, that can wait. The more important thing is my plan for revenge.

Mohinder Suresh, shot me. He intended to kill, yet I survived because, for all intents and purposes, I'm Jesus.

And like any good Jesus, I have to plot out my ultimate revenge....an apocalypse, HRG-style. Mohinder will regret his lack of faith, his utter disregard for the power of Mr. Bennet. I'm running this show, and I don't take kindly to would-be assassins.

So what's first? Well, I'll begin by humiliating him. He's Indian, or at least brownish, so likely he has some sort of religious views about cows...or is it pigs? Hmm....let's check Wikipedia....cows it is!

I need to gather cows. Apparently, they're all of Mohinder's ancestors. His grandmother Madhuri, his great aunt Suravinda. And I'm sure there's an Uncle Nikunj or something. No Indian family is complete without an Uncle Nikunj.

I'll take my plethora of bovine and march them straight into his tiny New York City apartment. If his domestic partner tries to stop me, then he'll suffer the wrath of Noah as well.

What do I plan to do with all those cows? I'll do what any blue-blooded Texan would do: grill 'em up and serve 'em with Tabasco.

Mohinder will personally eat (can you impersonally eat something?) every cow, every deceased relative in the herd.

I'll do this systematically to insure he suffers immense weight-gain. His obesity will then drag him into a horrible depression. He'll begin to ponder less about destiny and more about his own worth as a human being. Of course, society will let it be known that he's just a fat slob. Nobody will take his postulates seriously anymore. They'll be too busy laughing at his lardness.

Then, I'll buy an old TV monitor. Not one of those fancy LCD or plasma screens of today. I'm talking about the 1950's radiation-spouting boxes o' cancer. I'll force him to watch hours upon hours of Joey, which there may not actually exist hours upon hours of, so I'll supplement it with King of the Hill. While the stupidity drives him crazy, the bright glare will melt away his vision. He'll then be prescribed a thick set of glasses.

Only after he puts on his glasses will it be time to kill him. One shot, straight through his left eye. We'll see how he likes having his glasses destroyed.

But first...two questions: Where am I and am I on some sort of medication?

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

What a plan!!!! Thank god your brain is working as it should be.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Or you could just shoot him.

Eh, not revengy enough.

West said...

A plan involving lots of animals and destroying glasses? Count me in!

Heidi Petrelli said...

Aren't there festivals where lots of beef is consumer? Take him to one of those.
Then make him tips cows!

Tarot said...

Just don't mess with my beer or my pigeons... I'm sure I know you from somewhere... you look familiar even with the beard...

Adam Monroe said...

A truly formidable revenge plan.