Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Risky Behavior

I shoot one Ukrainian and the world falls to pieces! Mohinder is seriously freaking out on me. Claire is scaring drunk cheerleaders with her death-defying routine. Mr. Muggles has stopped using his potty box. But worst of all: Claire has a boyfriend!

"We knew this day would come," Sandra told me.

As if her virginity matters to me. She can regenerate! The problem I have is that she's dating a bifocal killer. How could I have raised a girl with such disregard for absolute efficiency? It makes no sense. Efficiency is key, at any cost, be it emotions, hygiene, or even human life. That's why I sleep in a suit. Bud does Claire? No. She wears pajamas! And what's worse, she showers in the morning and at night. And she conditions her hair! What does that even mean?

I knew this day would come, it's true. As much as I tried to shield her from all this special ability hoopla, I knew she'd eventually be tossed into it. But I thought I prepared her better than this!

I blame cheerleading.

I taught her to conserve her energy; cheerleading taught her to jump around like a lunatic for no reason while screaming. I taught her to remain inconspicuous; cheerleading taught her to jump around like a lunatic for no reason while screaming. I taught her not to jump around like a lunatic for no reason while screaming; cheerleading taught her to spell 'wildcats'.

At least I did a perfect job on Ivan. There will be no way the company traces his death back to me. If only Claire Bear could be as careful as me.

2 comments:

West said...

In Soviet Russia, the Ukrainian shoots you! But since we are not in Soviet Russia (and, in fact, no such place has existed since the fall of communism) I guess that means that I will have to shoot you! I relish the moment when I can cover my hands in your blood!

Elizabeth said...

I don't jump around like a lunatic for no reason while screaming. Do you like me because of that?