Thursday, November 1, 2007

Impromptu Farewell Ceremony

You know, I didn't necessarily plan to kill Ivan. I had considered other options: memory wipe, blackmail photos, Cabbage Patch dolls. If we could have found a reasonable way to incorporate Cabbage Patch dolls, I think we would have went with that. But it just happened that his death was totally necessary, like peanuts on an airplane. I mean, what's a trip without them, right? When I worked for Primatech, I sometimes flew places where I had no mission just to eat peanuts. And sometimes I meet people just to shoot them. Peanuts...murder...they're so alike. As for Ivan the Terrible Peanut, he was assaulted, and it's just best that way.

After his death, I did feel personal loss.

"Ivan..." I said remorsefully. "I'll never forget the time we spent out on missions, and celebrating at strip joints afterwards. That's where I got the name Claire...a delightful woman in Kiev."

The Haitian nodded empathetically as I continued, "His words, they were the true gift of my training. Ivan was such an intelligent man, a philosophical sort. "I do the job so the job won't do me" he used to say to me. It was his motto." I almost began to cry, but my masculinity, combined with the company's anti-tear surgery, prevented it.

The Haitian put his hand on my shoulder and said, "What's a motto?"

"I appreciate your concern," I told him. "I'll be fine. I just need some time. How do you deal with loss?"

He replied, "In my country, when someone dies we have a party so big that Cuba files a noise complaint. And the drugs...well, they make all the problems go away."

"That's ingenious. I think I know what to do. We need to have a a funeral, but without the dead body. Right outside at the train yard, it'll be perfect. Can you do an English accent?"


"I need Claude to attend the funeral. It won't be right without him. He's invisible, so I can just pretend, but I need you to do his voice."

"This is why I never talked."

The Haitian and I are getting things set up. If you happen to be around Odessa, stop by and say a few words about Ivan. Bring some vodka! It's what Ivan would have wanted. I wonder if Claire still works in Kiev?

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