Friday, January 26, 2007

Unfortunate Cookie

I was eating at my favorite Chinese buffet, enjoying the scenery. My waiter (I call him Ninja Joe) returned for the fourth time to ask, "More drink?" I still had plenty of tea, so I declined. He sat down the check with fortune cookies on top. I quickly cracked the cookie in half and pulled out the secret message inside and read aloud, "You make the mast of everything situation". What could it mean?

As I was lost in the deepness of the profound revelation, my mind drifted. Feelings of resentment for the cookie came to me. I slammed my fist onto the two cookie halves. They shattered and it hurt.

But I wasn't thinking about the cookie. I was reminded that China owes me $32.50 and I had vowed to collect on the debt.

My family was staring at me.

"I need to go to work," I said, grabbing the check. "You should call a taxi. I'm taking the Nissan Armada."

The man behind the counter (I call him Ninja Tom), took my check and entered in some numbers on his cash register. "That'll be $32.50," Ninja Tom said.

I handed him a fifty dollar bill and said, "Keep the change." I didn't have time for change. I was on a mission. A mission to get what's owed to me.

The Haitian met me at the airport and we were on our way.

The Haitian was shaking. He always got nervous during a plane ride. "Look," I told him, "There's the air marshal. We'll be fine."

The marshal gave me the stank-eye. I had the feeling he suspected I was a terrorist. Perhaps it was a bad day to wear my turban. But my hair still hasn't recovered from my last make-over, so I'm a little self-conscious about it.

The Haitian continued to shake as we took our seats. The plane took off. At this point the Haitian had stopped shaking, but was clenching the armrests with his hands. His entire body was tense with fear.

He remained like that until we came over China. I could see that wall thing that they have from my window. Just as I was about to tell the Haitian to look at it, a man jumped up out of his seat and kicked the air marshal in the face. He was knocked out cold.

I turned back to the Haitain. "Do something!" I told him. "Zap his mind or whatever." But he didn't move, didn't let up on his grasp of the seat. I knew I'd have to save the day.

The man now had a gun in his hand and was yelling at some passengers. It was hard to make out what exactly was going on because everyone was panicking.

I got up and started walking to him. He poked the gun into my chest and said, "Where are you going, glasses?"

"To the lavatory," I replied. Now, granted, it wasn't my original plan. But when he stuck his gun into my chest I had the sudden urge to urinate.

I went in and did my business. When I came out, I saw the terrorist had gone inside the cockpit. He had his gun to the pilot.

Okay, that's actually a picture from Con-Air. But it's pretty accurate with regards to my situation.

I asked myself, What would Ninja Joe do?

*Judo Chop*

I missed and knocked the pilot unconscious. The evil-doer turned at me. As he was about to shoot, the plane took a quick dive. He ended up firing into the floor of the cockpit.

I quickly head-butted him and he fell to the ground.

But now a flame was emerging from where the bullet hit. Sparks were running through the control panel and the plane continued to dive. I tossed the pilot's unconscious body to the side and took command of the plane. Just then, the entire cockpit burst into flames.

I immediately ran out screaming "We're all going to die!" I noticed three parachutes on the wall leaving the cockpit. I grabbed two and ran back to the Haitian.

It was difficult, but I was able to fasten his onto him. I had mine on as the plane started to rip apart. "There's one more chute left if anyone wants it!" I yelled.

Then the Haitian and I jumped.

As the plane exploded and we floated down to Chinatown, I could only stop and wonder if this was what my cookie had tried to warn me about.


Sylar said...

that sure was some heroic xcape! how come you never head butt or judo chop me? :(

Mistah Esock said...