Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Claire's New Daddy

Sometimes it seems like Claire's got more father's than Anna Nicole Smith's daughter. There's me. Then there was Hank. Then, Nathan.

Well, there's a new man in my daughter's life. The Puppet Master himself. No, not Frank Oz. I'm talking about Eric "Lardo" Doyle.

He's a foul creature if ever there was one. Even without the power to manipulate people's movements, I could have had him locked up in Level 5 because of his hygiene.

So, I was quite upset when I found out that my Claire Bear flocked to him. I know I've been driving her away with my semi-evil ways. But that's no reason to run right into the arms of a mad man!

He even taught her how to fire a gun. That was supposed to be my job! I've been begging Sandra to let me take her to the firing range since she was three years old.

"You'll shoot your eye out, kid," Sandra would always say.

That's the best part of being a kid, risking one's vision in dangerous fun.

Since I couldn't give my Claire Bear everything that a father should give their indestructible daughter, it's no wonder why she left in search of this fat idiot. But he wouldn't be able to love her in that creepy, yet platonic, way that I can.

I was heart broken when I got the call from Sandra. It was devastating.

Fortunately, when I arrived, I found Eric Doyle lying on the floor dead.

"Good," I said, "he's dead. Now I'm back to being the only man in your life, sweety." I patted Claire on the head.

"Ugh!" She complained. "My hair was, like, so perfect and now it's ruined! Ruined!"

That's when Sandra informed me that Doyle wasn't dead. "Bummer," I responded. "Guess I better take him into the office."

"You know," Sandra continued, "Claire was the one that knocked him unconscious."

"Really?" I was stunned. My little girl already struck out at her new daddy. So, even though she stormed off in a silent, contained rage, I knew in my heart that she loved me and only me.

"Wow," I said to Meredith. "My little girl continues to amaze me."

"I'm amazed she hasn't knocked you unconscious yet," she replied.

"Me too," I said. "Me too."


Anonymous said...

Claire pisses me off..

Claire B said...

Ew! That dude is SO not related to me! You technically aren't either, but at least you aren't super creepy. I mean you are, but not in the sweaty pedophile way. But that doesn't mean I'm done being mad at you!

Elizabeth said...

OH MY. Eric Doyle is soooo awesome. I'd love to work for this guy.