Thursday, October 16, 2008

No! Bad Claire!

Why is being a parent so hard?

You give them everything: a warm home, love, guidance, strict rules with no room for defiant behavior. And what do we get from them? Defiant behavior!

"Like, geez, Dad," Claire said cooly outside our home. "Take a chill pill."

"I can't have you going off hunting these villains, Claire," I explained in my parenting voice. "You're too young. You almost got black holed!"

"Gah, Dad! Like that would be such a big deal! People get black holed all the time."

I don't see how we parents can be expected to compete with forces like the media and peer pressure. "Go to your room," was all I could think to say. That's the only tool we parents have in this battle for control over the hearts and minds of our children. Until some Japanese company comes up with V-Chips that can be inserted directly into our children's brains, sending them to their rooms to think about what they've done is the best we can do.

Claire stormed into her bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

"I just don't know sometimes," I said to Sandra.

"I don't know either," she replied. "I mean, is Jello a liquid or a solid or what?"

"Not that," I glared at my mentally hopeless life companion. "I'm talking about our daughter. I just don't know what to do about her."

"Oh, well," Sandra said, "a girl's going to do what a girl's going to....oh, I forget the rest of that saying, but it's a good one."

It worries me to think about Claire's future, and where she may be headed with this reckless attitude of hers. Combine that attitude with indestructibility and you've got the ultimate recipe for a bad seed. I can tell you right now, I'm not going to be the one to plant that seed. I'm going to do whatever is necessary to stop her from becoming one of the bad guys, one of the villains.

"You know, maybe we should have Hiro teleport her into a coffin," I suggested, "for like a timeout or something." Spankings were pretty much useless now that she's lost all feeling. We were running out of options.

"Oh, but then she'll miss dinner!" Sandra pouted.

Then, I had a great idea. "Maybe we could get Meredith to help teach her not to go after villains on her own."

"That's a good thought, dear," Sandra said. "You're so smart!"

"I know." I called out for Claire's bio-mom, "Meredith!"

No answer.


"Oh, honey, she's out right now," Sandra informed me.

"Really? Where?" I asked.

Sandra answered, "She went out after some villains on her own."

Oh, great, so I guess this rebelliousness of hers is genetic! Sometimes, I guess Nature beats out Nurture. Luckily, though, I know a paper company that has done some amazing work in genetics. Maybe after we find Meredith I can splice some of Claire's genes so she won't grow into a troubled teen.

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