Parenting: HRG Style

"Wow, Mr. Bennet! You're such a great father!" All of Claire's friends are always telling me that. They see all the hard work I do taking good care of my little Claire Bear, and they can't help to feel jealous.

Claire never seems to mention it, but I think she has to feign embarrassment to maintain her social status in school. It's uncool to admit your dad is awesome.

"Isn't that right, Claire?"

"Uh, Dad, you're being creepy again....
Parenting can be hard, though. It doesn't come naturally. It takes a lot of work, a lot of dedication, a lot of ammo, and a Haitian.

Here's some advice from one parent to another:

1. Don't let your children go swimming in the ocean - One word: Sharks. Five more words: with lasers on their heads! And don't even get me started on the drowning possibilities. If you want your children to not die, whether they're indestructible or not, keep them out of the ocean!
   
   
   
2. Force-feed them vegetables - Everyone knows the importance of veggies when it comes to health. Now, I know, none of us adults bother eating vegetables unless they're sauteed in butter and served atop a quarter-pound all-beef patty. Our children, though, need vegetables. Don't buy a garbage disposal, just have children.
   
   
3. Allow the illusion of privacy - Never, ever, under any circumstances, let your children have absolute privacy. Utilize video and audio surveillance when necessary. Planting a spy in their inner-circle of friends is also effective. Just remind him to shave because a fourteen year old with a full beard just screams "narc".
   
   
4. Always know where your children are - It's ten o'clock, do you know where your children are? Yeah, well what about at 10:05? 10:07? 10:34? GPS tracking devices are a great way to monitor your child. And the best part is, anyone trained in basic surgery can insert the device into one of your child's vital organs.
   
   
5. Don't let them lick statues - This is perhaps the hardest activity to prevent. For whatever reason, adolescents, when confronted with a nude statue, simply feel the need to lick inappropriate parts of said statue.
   
   
   Optional: Electroshock conditioning works well in deterring immoral statue-licking.
   
   
6. Hire a clone soldier escort - Clones are great. They're 100% loyal and obedient. They make great role models for your children, as well as protect them from rebels and religious fanatics.
   
   

Those are the most basic tips I have to offer you. Give it a shot, and when you're ready for more, just let me know. I'm a treasure trove full of great parenting gems.