Friday, April 6, 2007

Guest Poster: Candace - Born to be Alive

I know you probably don't like me, but you know what? I don't care what you think! Like you're probably a total dork anyway. I should cut out your spleen and feed it to your grandmother.

But I won't.

See, Mr. Bennet is in solitary confinement. He was screaming about his blog the entire way.

"I have to write my stupid blog posts!" he said, "My readers blah blah blah!"

I told him that I'd take good care of his readers, so I guess posting is my responsibility.

Since I really don't know what all this blogging stuff is about, I did a little research. The blogs I saw were horrible! What losers! Who do they think cares about their trip to Wal-Mart? Great, you're poor and a hick, big freakin' deal!

But I have to like write about something, so I guess I'll tell you about my trip to the coolest club ever!! I know none of you go clubbing because you're a bunch of losers, but whatever.

The place was called OPM. (Oh? You noticed that sounds like opium? Great! You're a freakin' genius!) They're very gay-friendly, so I knew I'd be able to find me a good-looking chick. The first two chicks I started dancing up turned out to be gay guys in drag. Oh, well, it happens!

But then I found her! The one....for that moment at least. I danced her up nice and she totally started dancing all provocatively with me. After the song, I asked her if she wanted to go sit down for a while.

She said, "Sure" and we were on our way to a booth!

"So, what are you into?" I asked.

"I like throwing poisonous snakes at the homeless," she replied.

"Oh, my god! That sounds like a lot of fun. I've only thrown porcupines at them."

"You should definitely try it sometime."

And I was like "Okay!" Things were going good until...

"Hey, babe," this guy with a purple mohawk and spiked dog collar said to her.

I wasn't heartbroken or anything, cuz I'm not like that. I don't fall in love, I don't care for people and I don't let things get to me. But I do enjoy a good revenge!

So, I got up and let him sit with his 'babe'. "You want some drinks? My treat." I told them.

Well, long story short, I left as they started to become unconscious from what I gave them. I was kinda upset that I wouldn't get to see what happened to them, but it was getting late and I had important Primatech paperwork to do.

But I can just imagine what that crowd did to those poor doofuses!

61 comments:

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Did you really knock them out or did you just make me believe they were knocked out?

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