Guest Poster: Candace - Fun Times

So, everyone's writing poetry on Burnt Toast Diner. I always hated poetry. But I loved picking on poets! They were always the most depressed losers ever.

The first time I came in contact with poems and their authors was in 5th grade. My teacher read us all a poem by some old guy and then wanted us to write our own.

Mine was good, but I don't remember it all. It was about the joy of nuking ants with a magnifying glass. I also remember mentioning how I'd put the ant ashes into people's peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and force them to eat it during lunch.

But there was this one kid, he was a total dork. He was shy and hated to have to read his poem in front of everyone. Naturally, his poem was an allegory for the fear of public speaking. I know, you're thinking, "Wow, Candace, you're totally smart." Well, I am, but to be honest I had a kid explain that to me cuz I thought his poem sucked.

Anyway, before it was his turn, I was sitting behind him whispering in his ear. "Oh, Doug, you're so cute. I hope you don't screw up the poetry reading, cuz then none of the girls will ever like you." He wasn't really cute though, I lied!

I could see he was getting nervous. He was sweating like a crime-fighting geneticist!

"I hope nobody makes fun of you. That would really suck, huh?" I told him.

"Doug," the teacher called, "Will you read your poem please?"

He shook his head.

Everyone laughed.

He turned bright red.

"What's the matter Doug? Are you scared of reading?" I asked.

"He probably can't read!" some other girl said.

"Stop that, class!" the teacher interrupted. Everyone got quiet and Doug stood up slowly. He walked up to the front of class and started his poem.

"This is called 'The Front Yard'. Here it goes," he began.

Meanwhile, I snuck up to the front of the class. I ran up behind him and yanked down his pants. He had Power Ranger underoos! HAHAHAHAHA~!

Before he could cry, he took off running. Fortunately, he couldn't run very fast with his pants around his ankles. As he got to the door, I grabbed the yard stick and gave him a loud spank! He yelped and fell forward out the door.

The entire class was out of their seats at the door, staring out into the hallway. They were watching Doug crawl around with his pants down, laughing and insulting him.

The teacher was in a panic. She was yelling and screaming, trying to get us to settle down. But it was no use.

Then, I noticed the fish tank. I planned to grab the goldfish and drop it down his underwear, but before I could get it out of it's aquarium, the bell rang.

Poor Doug was ridiculed and trampled by the entire school. It was great! I never saw him again, but if I ever do, I don't know how I can top that.