Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Guest Poster: Candace - Stupid Ted

Well, Bennet's laptop is broke. You probably noticed a missing post! Ted was going to post. But I walked in on him.

"What are you doing?"

"Me no do nothing," he said.

I had the feeling he was up to something. I morphified into a cavewoman.

"Me no want hurt Ted," I said. "Me only want see laptop."

Ted just stared with his mouth wide. He began to stutter some. " no can show you."

"But me want see!" I started jumping up and down. I knew this display of anger was also the cavewoman mating dance.

He handed me the laptop. He had a blog post in the works, something about the many uses of deer. I particularly found the deer antler hat appealing. It'd go well with my red flannel shirt and blue jeans.

But then I noticed a minimized window...hmm....

"What is this here?" I asked, breaking character.

"It nothing," he said.

"Well, we'll see about that," I moved the cursor down to the taskbar.

"Oog! You no cavewo-man! You evil paper girl!"

"Click!" I said with a smile as I morphified back into my good-looking, drive men and women wild, self.

"No click! No click!"

"Well, well, well..."

"Not mine. Glasses do it."

It was the Cavegirls Gone Wild website. With all the hair, it took me a while to realize they were naked. I do consider myself an expert on female beauty, and I have to say, these cavegirls are the most hideous things ever. If I were a cavewoman, I think I'd be straight.

"You're gonna be in big trouble when Thompson sees this!"

"NoooOOOocooOOO!" he hollered. He grabbed the laptop from me and threw it on the floor. Then, out of nowhere, he pulled out a club and beat the bajeezers out of it!

"Great!" I said, "Now how are we going to keep up with Bennet's blog while he's in solitary confinement?"

"Me use pencil and paper!" Ted said. He ran over to his cellbed and came back holding a roll of toilet paper in one hand and a golf pencil in the other.

I slapped the pencil out of his hand, and then the TP. "Gah! You are an idiot. No wonder your wife died. It wasn't your radiation that killed her, it was your retardation!"

"GRRRRR!! You make Ted angry! Ted go boom on you!"

"Can it, Teddy Bear." I turned and walked out, locking the door behind me. I gave him a sweet, innocent smile through the little window.

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