Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Unfounded Speculation

Well, it feels like it's been weeks and I'm still stuck here in this Primatech Anti-Power Containment Cell. I don't know why they put me in an Anti-Power cell, I don't have a power!

I guess some people will speculate the most ridiculous stuff! Yeah, like I'm going to have a power. I'm the adoptive father of a power girl. You don't see my other kid, what's his name, having a power, do you? If I had a power, he'd have one too!

Yeah, you can say I'm growing tired of the crazy claims. When I told my wife about it, she asked, "So what's your power?"

"I don't have one," I replied.

"I bet it's flying! You can fly, huh?"

"No. I can't fly."

"Super speed?"

"Do I look fast to you?"

"X-Ray vision?" she asked, crossing her arms across her chest.

"No! I don't have a power."

"Well, maybe you do, but it's just unnoticeable. Like maybe you have the power of good breath? You know how you never seem to have morning breath."

"No, I just have a strict hygiene regiment."

It's been annoying working with evolved people. Sure, sometimes I'd like to have a power. It would make things easier for me. But that's not how it works. I was the human half of my Primatech team.

Even after we caught Eden and convinced her to work with us, she suspected I had a power.

"Okay, so tell me..." she said, "what can you do?"


"Come on! That Haitian has mental manipulation, I have persuasion. You've showed me lists of other people and powers. What's yours?"

"I don't have one."

"You don't have one?!?! You're like the flippin' boss of Primatech. Why don't you have one?"

"Technically, I'm like middle-management. Well, maybe upper-middle management. Lower-upper-middle management."

"I think you have a power."

"I don't."

"You do have a power."

"I do have a power."

"You have the power to buy me diamond earrings."

"I have the power to buy you diamond earrings."

She really liked them too. Sure, I had to use my son's college fund to pay for it, but big deal. He's not getting into college anyway. He's a moron. Well, I think he is. Honestly, I don't know what his grades are like. But I've Haitianed him a few times, so he's on the path toward moronism, not to be confused with Mormonism. That doesn't require a Haitian, just any false prophet will do.

By the way, check out my poem at the Burnt Toast Diner. I had a lot of free time on my hands lately, so I thought, what the heck, I might as well write some poetry. I thought it turned out nicely. Be sure to vote for me when it's all over.

1 comment:

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

I have a similar situation. I have the mutant power to not be detected as a mutant by magical, psionic, or technological means. It's an odd one.