Friday, April 13, 2007

Guest Poster: Thompson - Primatech Secrets

Well, I guess it's my turn to post. Candace is out with her "friend" and Ted is still crying under his bed. Bennet is still in solitary...maybe I'll let him out soon. I do let him out to check his email and such, but not often.

But since it is my turn to post, I think I should make it an epic one. A post that will change the face of the Earth as we know it, well as you know it. You see, I'm going to reveal ALL of the secrets of Primatech Paper Company!

Are you ready for this?

Well, let's see...I guess I should start from the beginning. Primatech was indeed founded in 1962, that's no secret there. It was founded by Bob Dole and Regis Philbin as a front for a secret organization devoted to creating a world of super potatoes!

Needless to say, the original vision was soon altered. Philbin and Dole were removed from power after a hostile takeover involving an army of flying monkeys and Nazi toothpick manufacturers.

From 1962 to 1968, Primatech enjoyed a drug-filled life of Hero-snatching and paper-making. But this was soon brought to an end!

On March 12th, 1969, the Catholic Pope criticized Primatech for its harmful affects on the environment. This was not due to making paper from trees, but rather due to a certain captive of ours. He had the ability to pollute.

After five years of harsh regulations imposed on us by Capitan Planet himself, two members of middle management left to form their own plumbing business. Though the business was unsuccessful, they did find popularity in fighting evil dragon usurpers and rescuing princesses.

In the 80s, I found myself on a quest. It was an epic quest that would forever change the fate of Primatech. I journeyed off in search of a green midget to teach me the ways of The Force. However, instead, I ran into an elephant who claimed to hear voices coming from a dust speck. After abruptly annihilating said dust speck, I was about to give up hope of ever finding my green midget.

But some dead guy that I probably knew once told me where I'd find him. I found him and it was a waste of time. But on the way back, I discovered a giant Q-Tip which I used to knock other people off of pillars. I soon became the Q-Tip master, and Primatech sold more paper than ever as my corporate sponsor and employer.

Now, Primatech secretly manufacturers toxic lip balm for export to third world countries, where lips are often dry and chapped.

And there you have it, everything you wanted to know about Primatech, in a nutshell!

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