Sunday, February 25, 2007

Bummer

Well, it's official. I'm a hostage.

I was thinking this whole being in captivity thing wouldn't be so bad. Sylar fared pretty well, and that was with professional kidnappers.

These guys are a bunch of losers. Very unprofessional. You can tell they've never had prisoners before because they didn't give us all laptops. I guess not every captor can be as nice as me.

How am I posting then? One word: Raspberry. (It's a cheap knockoff of a Blackberry (Hey, Primatech's cheap (I mean, they have more important stuff to spend their money on (Like tracking isotopes so we can know where these freaks are (Too bad they can't tell when they're in my own home!)))))

Now that we got the parentheticals out of the way, let's move on. Those of you reading this could send for help. Contact The Haitian, lure him away from his video games with the promise of ice cream.

If things get really sticky, I suppose we could give Thompson a call. But I don't like talking to that idiot. He's too vulgar and not at all compassionate like me. He wouldn't have given Sylar a laptop.

The three losers that are holding my family and me captive have been quite the show. There seems to be a definitive leader, which I remember as Hana Gitelman. She doesn't want to use her own name in case they are listening, but I guess she forgets I already know all about her.

"Hostages tied" the Radioactive Caveman said. "Me eat them now?"

"No! Not yet, Ted. We need information!" Hana replied.

"But me hungry! Want food! Why Hana no give Ted food?"

"Shhh! You idiot!!" Hana yelled, "Don't use my real name!! Call me Spoon Fed!"

"Uh, guys," Matt chimed in. "They've gotten loose. And the nerdy was thinking about how he already knows all about you."

Tell her I want a laptop and some waffles, I thought to the fatty.

"And he wants a laptop and some waffles."

"No!!" Hana ordered, "Get them before they escape! And no waffles!!"

Sandra unfortunately got confused and stopped in the middle of our getaway to offer our captors some muffins.

"Ooh! Oooh! Me want muffins!! Me like you, crazy lady," Ted replied. He was soon slapped by Hana and settled down.

Ted and Matt re-apprehended us, however Mr. Muggles managed to elude them. Ha! Those fools, I thought, Mr. Muggles will rescue us.

"The dog!" Matt said.

Crap! I have to stop thinking.

Mr. Muggles darted up the stairs. There he goes!, I thought.

"Ha! You gave away Mr. Muggles's position," Matt said.

Crap! I have to stop thinking.

"Ooh! Ooh!" Ted bounced around from side to side. "Little doggie go up stairs! Me cook doggie and eat doggie!"

"No, Ted!" Hana yelled. "We have to capture him! Find out what he knows!!!"

"Me sad panda," Ted said.

Matt ran for the stairs. Ted and Hana did too. The three ran into each other and fell down. They tried again, still bumping into each other and unable to make it up the stairs.

Finally, Hana had a plan, "Wait! Ted, you go first. Then Matt!!"

"Hey!" Matt said. "You're using us as doggie bait!"

"No, I'm not!!"

"Yes you are. I read your mind."

"Well, you download pornography!"

"No, I don't."

"Yes, you do. I read your emails!"

"Fine," Matt said, "Ted and I will go up first."

Ted made his way up the stairs. Matt followed. Hana stood at the bottom of the stairway, watching us. She had her gun extended, ready to shoot at the slightest hint of dissent.

Matt said to Ted, "You're not going to eat him."

"Ted knows," Ted said, "But Ted want to picture doggie on radioactive grill in Ted's mind. Makes Ted happy."

"Okay," Matt said. "Just don't eat him."

Ted was at the top of the stairwell.

"Now, Muggles!" I yelled.

Mr. Muggles jumped off the little decorative end table, with a little decorative vase, and latched onto Ted. He barked and bit ferociously.

"Me no like! Me no like!" Ted screamed. He managed to push Mr. Muggles off of his face, but fell down backwards.

He fell onto Matt and knocked him down. The two rolled down the stairs. Hana turned just in time to get a face full of lackeys. She was knocked down and the gun went off.

The lights went out and Ted screamed. "Me shot! Hana shooted me!"

"You just got hit by a piece of the lightbulb she shot," Matt said, pulling a large chunk of glass out Ted's rear end. "Okay, I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that thought."

"Me no like guns. Guns bad!" Ted said.

"No! Guns are the only thing that allows us to defend ourselves against them," Hana said.

"But me shot because of gun."

"You weren't shot," Matt said. "The glass hit you, from that lighbulb." He pointed up.

Ted walked over to the middle of the living room. He stood up on the coffee table and examined the busted lightbulb.

"Don't touch it! Lightbulbs cause massive dehydration and herpes!" Hana said, but it was too late.

*Zap*

Ted began to sizzle and electrify. Matt ran over to him to help. As soon as he touched Ted's arm, he started shaking with electricity too.

"Oh, you idiots!" Hana yelled. She walked over to the light switch and turned it off. Ted fell, crushing the coffee table. Matt fell onto a discarded leg of the coffee table, catapulting a thick clay coaster into Hana's forehead.

Hana was knocked back against a glass curio cabinet. It shattered and a large crystal bowl fell off onto her head.

She rose, looking rather annoyed, and walked over to Ted and Matt, still lying on the floor. Matt started to get up. She grabbed him by the throat and lifted Ted up by his hair.



"You knuckleheads," she said. Hana poked Ted and Matt in the eyes. Annoyed, they struck back as she ducked, and punched each other in the face. Hana stomped on their toes and roughly two hours later they decided to begin questioning us.

This is going to be a long day.

"I second that."

3 comments:

Svetlana Smith said...

Well, I'll have you know that I made it out to Hollywood just fine -- in time for the Oscars! I managed to sneak in backstage by doing a few neat tricks (no not those kind of tricks!)

Better than being held hostage, that's for sure. I think I saw a few familiar faces there, too...

Sylar said...

looks like the foots on the other shoe mr glasses!!!

Svetlana Smith said...

I think Sylar's been getting into the Schnapp's again. Would you like me to keep an eye on him out here in Hollywood to make sure he doesn't pull a Lindsay Lohan?

I'd come help uncapture you, but I'm too busy trying to decipher the message left by the person who chewed on my head at the Oscars last night. Very cryptic stuff, that.