I do a lot of charity work in my free time. And earlier I was helping entertain some of the ICU patients at the local hospital. They say laughter is the best medicine.
So, I found my poor hopeless child and began with a great opener.
"What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?" I asked.
I think he tried to lift his shoulders, in an effort to show he hadn't known the answer, just as I had planned on.
"Mechanical Engineers builds weapons, Civil Engineers build targets."
He didn't laugh. But I suspected in his condition that he was incapable of laughing. I'm sure he liked the joke.
"If walking is healthy, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut?"
"What did the horse say when he fell? I've fallen and I can't giddy up!"
I refused to let this young man down. So, I pulled out my best.
"A pirate goes into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants. The bartender goes, "Woah man! There's a steering wheel down your pants. Isn't it annoying?". The pirate replies, "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts!"
And he sat there like some kind of crash victim lies motionless on their own blood and left foot.
Then, a doctor came in. "How's it going?" he asked the kid.
"Well, it'd be nice to laugh again," the little prick replied.
"I got a joke for you," the doctor said, "Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
"The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
"The first engineer nodded approvingly. "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
"HA HA HA HA HA!!" the kid laughed for what seemed like hours at the simple joke, "That sounds like something he'd do!" he was pointing at me.
"Well, you get your rest," the doctor said as he left.
"Listen up," I said with my hand over the kid's mouth, "My jokes were great! I'm a very hip and funny guy. And I certainly would have taken the clothes over the bike."
I let him go and he looked at me as though he'd seen a ghost. Then he started to cry.
"Hey," I said, "I'm sorry. Things have just been rough lately. You see, there was this guy, Sylar, and I had him all nice and locked up. But he escaped. My wife is losing her mind. And Jake never wants to go get his nails done. I tried taking Jake to get some waffles and he didn't even order anything. I went to the restroom and he was still there when I returned! Sylar would have killed all the patrons and escaped. But Jake, he's not even a challenge."
"Sounds like you miss Sylar," the boy said.
I nearly teared up, but I kept it together. "Yes, I think I do. I have to get him back. For all I know he could have found some other nerd to hang out with. Probably a geneticist. They're all so pretentious and think they're so much better than us computer nerds. If it weren't for us, there wouldn't be any science. But I'll find him and bring him back home soon."
The kid just smiled.
"You can't tell anyone about this." I lifted my finger to my lips as I backed out of the room.
"I won't. I promise," he replied.
Just to be safe, I sent The Haitian in anyway.
And I have been receiving your photo captions. We'll have winners tomorrow, so if you haven't submitted something, do it now.