Saturday, February 24, 2007

New York, New York

Well, my nice pair of pants caught on fire so that means I need to buy a new pair. Luckily, I was on my way to New York City to find an old friend of mine.

Pants are always best in New York. I decided I could kill two pigeons with one tazer gun.

First and foremost, I had to get business taken care of. After that, it would give me all the time I need to go shopping and enjoy the New York nightlife. Unfortunately, The Haitian is afraid of the nightlife. He's seen too many vampire movies.

I went over to the roof of a building in Isaac's paintings. My friend would no doubt be hanging around there. He's a roofie. You'd think an invisible guy would crash at some nice mansion, convince the owners it's haunted and have the place to himself.

But not Claude. He has to be one of the most useless evolved humans ever, maybe excluding that cop I once captured. He's a joke! I can't believe he was on the force as long as he was. That loser. He'll never accomplish anything in his life. I bet he wouldn't even make a decent security guard. Oh, well, that's why we let him go. Easiest decision I ever made.

And there was Claude, just as I expected. Luckily, invisible people still have body heat. The Haitian and I had our Primatech Paper brand heat vision monocle thingies with us. I could see Claude and Peter, this sexually-repressed emo dude that's got a cool power we'd like to run some tests on.

I took my shot, and knocked Claude out sick. The Haitian fired at the whiny nurse, but he somehow stopped the electrodes in midair. He must have made out with Sylar while saving Claire Bear.

He grabbed Claude and flew away. I was about to go all Paper Ninja on him, leaping off the building, gripping his foot and taking him down to China Town, but my phone rang.

It was Claire Bear.

"Claire! I told you, we'll practice your routine when I get back from my business trip!"

"Dad! You have to come home," she said. I know her routine is important to her, but she has to learn it can wait.

"Daddy has important things to do, Claire Bear. Your cheerleading crap can wait."

"It's mom! She blacked out."

Great! Now I have to wait to get my pants and Claude. The Haitian and I returned home. I dropped him off at the playground. The ice cream truck was scheduled to arrive soon.

Then I met Claire, Lyle and Sandra at the hospital. In the morning they let us bring Sandra home. I was glad because Claire was getting on my nerves. She was throwing a hissy in front of all the hospital staff. I didn't want them thinking I'm a bad father. Being a father is what I do best.

"Hey, Dad," Lyle said, "I just wanted to say that I love you."

"Whatever," I replied, "Now help push your mother out off here. She spent 9 hours pushing you out of her womb, the lest you can do is push her out of a hospital."

We arrived home and I thought everything was just peachy. But troubled lurked in the shadows, well in the kitchen I guess.

A caveman jumped out in front of us, "You pay! You pay! You pay!" he yelled, jumping around like a buffoon. "You tell secrets or me make good fire!"

"Lyle, Sandra, Run!" I yelled, "Claire Bear, attack!"

1 comment:

Peter said...

Thanks for scaring away my Yoda! You've started a chain of events that will probably lead to my suicide due to the death of my beloved. Thanks a lot, ass!