Pants on Fire

Okay, so I lied.

I didn't actually go to Mexico and kill Sylar.

The plan was to go ahead and say I did, then actually do it making it retroactively true. So, it's not really a lie since I meant to make it the truth.

But I forgot tonight was family game night, so I didn't get around to it.

Despite lacking an epic battle between me and my arch nemesis, the evening had its own clash of Titans.

The Haitian, Claire Bear and I faced off in a game of Team Trivial Pursuit against Sandra, Lyle and Mr. Muggles. I was confident with my team. The opposition would be no match for us.

Sandra had the first question, Science & Nature: "How many Oxygen atoms are on a molecule of H20?"

"Eleventeen?" she asked.

Alright! Our turn. Claire Bear was up first for us. And she proved indestructible, answering an Arts & Entertainment and a People & Places. But finally was stumped in Science & Nature.

Lyle missed a question next. I don't remember what it was, but he answered "Olloniferousity."

The Haitian even got one correct. He was playing using a notepad he picked up from Carver Auto Sales. Since he can't talk, he goes through those things like crazy. Luckily, most businesses give them away with their company's logo on every page.

The evening progressed wonderfully for my team. Sanda and Lyle missed every single question they received. Mr. Muggles, however, was proving to be a tough competitor. He had already scored a Science & Nature, Arts & Entertainment, People & Places and Sports & Leisure pie. But it was our turn and we only needed one more pie.

It was up to The Haitian. The category, and our only needed pie, was History. Why did it have to be The Haitian? He has been failing History class in school, and I've tried helping him out. Even Claire Bear would study with him. But he wasn't making much progress. I told him to just answer everything "George Washington" while we work on a plan to cheat his way through. It consists of me standing outside the classroom window with a small whiteboard. He'd text message me the questions and I'd write the answers. It was f00l-pr00f! But until we buy a little whiteboard, he'd have to just use the "George Washington" method.

Then, he got his question: "Who invented peanut butter?"

He stared blankly at Sandra. For what seemed like hours he stared. Finally, he wrote on his notepad, but then stopped and stared again. It was clear he didn't know the answer.

He started to write again and revealed his answer to us: "George Washington".

"Wrong!!" Lyle yelled and started dancing like a chicken.

"Wait," I announced, "He got it right. Look, right where he finished writing it says 'Carver'. He obviously meant George Washington Carver."

"I don't think so, Daddy," my Claire Bear said to me. "That's just part of the logo on the notepad." That little traitor!

"Let's ask him," I decided. "Did you mean George Washington Carver?"

The Haitian nodded.

"See?" I said. "We get the pie!" I got up to mock Lyle by doing my own version of his chickeny dancing. Unfortunately, my dancing skills are larger than the dancing space in our house and I knocked a candle off the kitchen counter.

Of course, I didn't notice what I had done until some time after my pants ignited. Everyone started laughing at me, and I assumed it was because they realized I was making fun of Lyle.

"Your pants are being eaten by biscuits!" Sandra managed to say in between laughs.

"No, mom," Claire corrected, "His pants are on fire."

"Oh, that's what I meant. The cans of fish eyes are scary, don't you think?" Sandra replied.

The Haitian was hiding under the table. Lyle was chicken dancing again. Sandra was confused by a spoon on the table. Claire Bear and Mr. Muggles were my only hope.

"Get the extinguisher!" I yelled. Claire Bear ran off to the utility closet, but tripped and impaled herself on a coat rack.

Luckily, Mr. Muggles brought the water hose through his little doggie door and put me out.

Tomorrow, I'll have to go buy some new pants.