Solace, Hank-Style

The year was 1980. The place, Odessa High School.

Lisa was a young ragamuffin from the streets of Midland. She cleaned up nice. Got herself enrolled mid-semester of mine and Hank's senior year.

Hank was (and still is) quite the ladies' man. As soon as he laid eyes on her, he called dibs. It was fine with me. I was certainly not the type for which a beautiful, yet emotionally-repressed, goddess would go.

"Yo, dawg, you has gots ta hook me up with that!" Hank told me.

"I don't think she'd talk to me. Perhaps you could arrange for an accidental meeting?"

"Man, that's a fly idea."

We spent the nights at my parents' house planning for the ultimate ploy of romance and seduction.



"That ain't bad, yo," Hank said of the flowchart, "You think it will work?"

"Of course it will. It's symmetrical."

Now, it was time to set things in motion.

Step 1: Chance Meeting

"Aaaaaa-CHOOOO!" I yelled from down the hall, cuing Hank to make his move.

He stepped out from around the corner and came face to face with Lisa.

"Oh, 'scuse me, woman!" He exclaimed, then seemed to become dazed by her looks, "Uh, I mean, uh, my name is Hank-Dog."

She starred back at him, no facial expression whatsoever. "Ya, whatever," she finally said and walked off.

Step 1: Chance Meeting #2

"Aaaaaa-CHOOOOO!"

Hank opened the classroom door and walked right into Lisa. "Aw, girl, my bad."

"Ya, whatever."

"Hol' up, yo," Hank grabbed her by the shoulder. "You's gots ta be the most flyest girl here in this school. You gots the look of an artist in yo eyes."

It wasn't quite what we practiced, but it seemed to work.

"I eat bugs," she said and seemed to give a slight smile.

Good enough. On to step twos.

Step 2-2: Support Her Lame Ideas

"Can anyone tell me the form of government of America?" the teacher asked.

Nobody raised their hands. He called on Lisa.

"Um, an evil tyranny of pseudo-democracy built on corruption and deceit."

"I'm sorry, that's wrong young lady."

Hank spoke up, "Nah, dog, she hit that nail on the foot, yo!"

Step 2-3: Homework Together

"Man, I'm like trippin' that I got you as a lab partner. That is da bomb, yo!"

Step 2-3-2: Feign Intelligence

"You positively charge my ion," Hank said, delivering the line perfectly.

"Did you know if we removed one proton from Mercury, it'd be Gold." I whispered through Hank's window.

"Yo, girl, you know if we moved your photons to Pluto, they'd 'splode!"

Good enough.

Step 2-1: Hang Out in Private

"Nah, for reals, girl. I thought they'd be mo peeps up in this here party."

"Uh, excuse me," I said, "I need to go find my inhaler." I left, leaving the two together for some fly moves to be dropped.

Step 2-1-2: Drop Some Fly Moves (Hank's only contribution to the plan)

"You like music?" Hank said.

"Ya, whatever." Lisa replied. Hank turned on the radio.

"Yeah, girl! Afrika Bambaataa!" Hank got his groove on.

Step Three: Defend From Bully

I bribed Phillip Martin, the all-star wide receiver and predominant jock on campus. He agreed to take one punch from Hank and go down.

As he approached Lisa, I stood near to watch the events unfold.

"Hey, baby," He said to her, "Listen, these two losers paid me to pick on you, then take a dive so he could look like a hero. But then I saw how pretty you are and I'd rather buy you lunch."

"Ya, whatever," Lisa said and started to bite on her hand.

Hank puffed up his chest and started walking toward them. I tried signaling him not to. But he didn't see me.

"Yo, foo! Get up off of my girl!" I was amazed he used three prepositions in a row. But then Phillip turned around and pushed Hank to the ground.

"So, anyway, babe, I was thinking..." Hank rose up to his feet and kicked Phillip behind his knee. Phillip fell down. And Hank started kicking him, over and over and over and over.

Then, he took the giant silver cross emblazoned with cubic zirconium and impaled Phillip's right arm with it. Hank spit on him and gave him a wedgie.

"I didn't know you were so violent," Lisa said smiling.

"Girl, you worth gettin' the death penalty for," he replied and pulled her to him.

Step 4: KISS



The three of us had a great time at the concert.