Guest Poster: Candace - My Girl

Well, I finally got some time off! I left Ted crying under his cell bed after insulting him and blaming him for his wife's death. And now I'm thinking about a trip to the Burnt Toast Cafe!

I've been a few times and it seems like a cool place. But I'm thinking of calling up a friend of mine and going with her. She's totally awesome!

She and I have been best friends forever! We met as kids when we were both picking on the same nerd in 8th grade. She was teasing him and threw his glasses on the ground at the exact same time I showed up to give him a wedgie! It was so incredible. Like at that instant, I just knew, ya know?



That's her. She's very pretty, and smart too! Okay, that's a lie. She's actually really, really stupid. But with looks like that, who cares?

Her stupidity has been a problem for me at times. I'm not a genius, but like I know a lot of stuff and like knowing things. So it is annoying when she does something dumb. Normally, I love making fun of stupid people, calling them retards and such, but I can't pick on her, she's just too beautiful!

One time, I swear, I nearly killed her! We were at a gas station and I absolutely love Slim Jims! Like you have no idea! I think I enjoy the thought of turning innocent little farmland creatures into a dry meat snack.

"Hey, you want a Slim Jim?" I asked her, very excitedly.

"Uh, what's a Slim Jim?" she asked.

"Oh, my God! Are you kidding me? It's only the best beef jerky ever!"

"Is it meat?"

Gah! I wanted to ring her neck. But I smiled and just played it off.

And then there was this other time when she thought squirrels could fly! I found her dropping them from a roof and they were splattering on the parking lot below. I joined in on the fun, and we were having a great time. But when we ran out of squirrels she said, "I don't get it. None of them flew!"

"Why would they fly?" I asked.

"Duh! Flying squirrels!" she said.

I wanted to see if she could fly! But I resisted and explained to her that not all squirrels are flying squirrels, and even those merely glide. I was disappointed that our wonderful squirrel-boming was all just a retarded accident.

But despite all that, I still love being with her. We do so much together and I tell her everything! Well, almost everything. A girl is entitled to a few secrets.

Oh, but I guess I should mention that she's straight. I'm working on it though. She assumes I am because I pretend to have a huge crush on George Clooney when I'm around her.

I take her to cheerleading practices all the time. I think it's only a matter of time before she gives in. I mean, who can resist those skirts?

At the last practice she seemed to be daydreaming about something. I could only imagine! Surely she's turned, or is at least close.

If all else fails, there's always my secret power!